Marriage Is a Partnership, Not a Competition

I recently read an article in The Economist that discusses, among other things, how men suffer serious psychological distress when their wives earn more than they do or become the primary breadwinner in the household. The article specifically states:

“Men whose wives and partners are the primary earners are roughly one and a half times as likely to report ‘serious psychological distress,’ even after controlling for age, education, and household income. Among husbands whose wives earn at least 70% of household income, the risk is around two and a half times as high.”

Why is that? Social and cultural pressure is one reason. We can see this in a Pew Research Center poll from 2017, which found:

“In about a third of married or cohabiting couples in the United States, women bring in half or more of the earnings, a significant increase from the past. But in most couples, men contribute more of the income, and this aligns with the fact that Americans place a higher value on a man’s role as financial provider. Roughly seven-in-ten adults (71%) say it is very important for a man to be able to support a family financially to be a good husband or partner. By comparison, 32% say it’s very important for a woman to do the same to be a good wife or partner…”1

Men have been conditioned for centuries to believe that their value as a person is based primarily on how they lead their family, how much money they earn, and their role as the primary provider in society. The problem with that mindset is that women have been undervalued for a very long time, even though they contribute equally—not only within the family but also to society as a whole.

When men base their entire identity on being the primary provider, they are bound to run into trouble because being a man is about much more than providing financially. Men need to understand that women are partners, and together they can accomplish far more than either could alone.

Unfortunately, there is a segment of society that rejects this idea. Some men are rallying together and forming groups that promote harmful ideas, creating even more division and making life more difficult for men themselves. You have probably heard of the Manosphere, a network of websites, blogs, and podcasts that often promote extreme views of masculinity, misogyny, and opposition to feminism.2 Or perhaps you’ve heard of Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW), an anti-feminist, predominantly online movement that advocates male separatism from what its members view as a gynocentric3 society that has been corrupted by feminism.4 This community encourages men to avoid marriage and committed romantic relationships with women.

Can you believe that?

We men can be our own worst enemies because we sometimes focus on the wrong things. Instead of creating more division, men should be working to build a better society by becoming better partners to women. It is not us against them. We are one, and we need to start acting like it.

Have you ever heard about a man who divorces his wife after 20 or 30 years of marriage, leaving her to figure out how to rebuild her life on her own? All because he entered a midlife crisis and decided to pursue younger women. Devastating, right? You have probably heard hundreds of stories like that, especially when the wife is still raising children.

People hear these stories and simply say, “Well, it is what it is.” But what often goes unnoticed are the commitments made at the beginning of those relationships. For example, a husband tells his wife to stay home, take care of the household and children, and not worry because he will provide for the family. The wife trusts that promise and begins that journey. She doesn’t go to college or enter the workforce because she dedicates 100% of her energy to the home while her husband works day after day to bring home the bacon, as the saying goes.

Then, 20 or 30 years later, the husband decides, “You know what? I think I’m going to change our agreement because I deserve to have a different life. I’m going to divorce you because I found a younger woman who ‘understands’ me. Good luck.”

He walks away, leaving his wife wondering, “What am I supposed to do now?” She trusted him, so she never earned a degree or built a career. Now she is in her mid-40s or mid-50s and realizes she has to start life from scratch.

This situation becomes even more difficult if the husband dies without proper financial planning. Suddenly, the wife is left to manage the family’s financial obligations while also caring for her children and rebuilding her life. 

It is no wonder that women are pursuing higher education and better careers at unprecedented rates. Frankly, many women feel they cannot fully rely on a man’s promises alone. They never know when they might find themselves abandoned and suddenly responsible for supporting their families.

It happened to my mother, and I personally know too many women who have gone through the same situation.

So, what is the solution?

It’s actually quite simple. Men need to understand that women are a tremendous force multiplier. Families and society become stronger when husbands and wives work together with unity of purpose.

Instead of feeling psychological distress because his wife earns $70,000 a year while he earns $30,000, perhaps a husband should think, “Our household earns $100,000, and we’re doing well.” Maybe he should also take on more household responsibilities to give his wife an opportunity to rest because, as The Economist article notes:

“Breadwinning wives tend to report lower satisfaction with their relationships. Part of the explanation may be that high-earning wives are often responsible for much of the work at home too.”

There is a saying that men are the stronger of the two. Perhaps men should internalize that and start contributing more at home. Many women are capable of working a full day outside the home and then coming home to care for their families, which is incredibly demanding. So why are some men unwilling—or unable—to do the same?

Husbands, stop listening to the nonsense the world is throwing at you and start using reason. Your wife is your partner, not your competitor. Honor your commitments, work together, and build a stronger family with purpose. 

  1. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2017/09/20/americans-see-men-as-the-financial-providers-even-as-womens-contributions-grow/ ↩︎
  2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manosphere ↩︎
  3. Dominated by or emphasizing feminine interests or a feminine point of view. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gynocentric ↩︎
  4. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way ↩︎

98 thoughts on “Marriage Is a Partnership, Not a Competition”

  1. What a surprising statement this was for me:
    “Men whose wives and partners are the primary earners are roughly one and a half times as likely to report ‘serious psychological distress,’ even after controlling for age, education.” Really? Serious psychological distress? That seems exaggerated to me, but perhaps I don’t know very many men in that position. This manosphere thing sounds dangerous. Human beings are so complex, and we are individuals. If we could just begin there, with respect and genuine interest in one another, perhaps we would be more at peace. Thank you for this interesting post, Edward.

    Like

    Reply

  2. I have never understood those men who feel emasculated if their wife earns more than they do. What a silly and antiquated mentality. For a good portion of my working life, my spouse earned more than I did, and I was totally fine with that. Why wouldn’t I be? It was never her money or my money, it was OUR money. And the more bacon, to borrow an old slang term, the better. It sizzles in the frying pan the same regardless of who is bringing it home!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Absolutely! Some men are just stuck in the past. I knew couples when I was in the Army that kept their salaries separate and divided the household bills. To me, that’s insane, and it’s like living separate lives. Like you, I think it’s better to treat it like our money and go from there.

      Like

      Reply

  4. This is an important and common issue that is rarely discussed, Edward. Most men feel the need to outearn their partner or feel that they are inadequate. Yet, women have learned to be independent, because so many men let us down. It is a no win situation if both sides don’t learn to value the other for who they are and what kind of a team player they are rather than the amount of money they bring to the household.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  7. A meaningful discussion about the importance of equality, understanding, and mutual respect in marriage. A strong partnership is built on support, appreciation, and shared growth rather than comparison or competition. Every relationship benefits when both individuals value each other’s contributions beyond financial roles. Thank you for sharing this important perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  8. Hi Edward, as professional woman, I see the disparity between the roles men and women who are both working full time play in the home. Many men take no responsibility for the children and running the home. It falls to the woman who also has a full time job. It’s no wonder marriages fail when men are so selfish.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  10. It is just a mindset that prevents men from sharing household chores. Once they start enjoying the inevitable jobs required for survival, it will be good for everyone in the world. A job is a job and must be done. There’s absolutely no reason to shy away from simple tasks, that too in the age of technology.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

      1. Yes, most women are ready to take up less challenging tasks like leading an organization or maybe a country. Nothing beats being confined with toddlers for years. Cooking is relaxation compared to infant care. But all tasks are fun if one has positive mindset and can add a bit of humour.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  11. In this day and age where women are focusing on career, it’s only natural that they experience success and move up in the company. I’d have no issue with my wife making more money than me. Good for her. I’d support it wholeheartedly. We as men need to let go of our hang ups.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  13. I love, “Families and society become stronger when husbands and wives work together with unity of purpose.” Yes, yes, yes. As always, Edward – you bring so much clarity of thinking to a subject that cuts so close to our identities, families and the fabric of society. Thank you for your thoughts and leadership, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  14. Bravo, my wise friend! We humans are good at finding ways and reasons to divide, compete with, and complain about others, much to the detriment of marriages, partnerships, and other relationships. Roles have been reframed; attitudes still need to catch up.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  16. Such a timely, important, and powerful post, Edward! You touched many delicate and often neglected things here. It’s about time to upgrade mindsets beyond societal programming, honor compromises for life, and integrate forces as a unit at all levels (home and outside). Here you said it all: “Together they can accomplish far more than either could alone.” But yes, their focus should be on the family unit, not on individuals. Then things can go well and for the best for the unified unit. I truly loved your last paragraph, my friend. Deepest bows!! And thank you for illuminating the way of families and society. Lots of light and blessings to you, always, dear friend! ✨🙏🍀🌞

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, Susana. We definitely need to upgrade our mindsets. That’s the only way to move society forward. Everything evolves in life, so I’m not sure why humans continue to live in the past instead of assessing today’s conditions and adjusting life to them. I really appreciate your wonderful comment, and have a blessed rest of the week.🙏🏼

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  17. An excellent piece, Edward. I wasn’t sure of the percentage here of women out-earning their partners but looked it up and learned that it’s 36.8. I out-earned my husband by a significant amount in my last 7 years but he was perfectly comfortable with that. We have the so-called “mommy penalty” though which affects the 18% who stay at home to raise children. This causes of course a career/income interruption and setback and if there’s a divorce the effects are magnified. I was surprised to see a number as high as 18% because during my working years I only knew one woman who did that. Everyone else I knew took an approximately year-long maternity leave (in some cases the man took the leave instead or it was split) and then returned to work. Thanks for writing about this topic.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Lynette. Wow, that is a horrible label for mothers who leave their jobs to stay home to raise children. It’s a difficult issue to solve, and there are not a lot of good answers.

      In our case, when my wife decided to stay home to raise our son, we continued to make contributions to her retirement account. After all, we have one budget and one joint account, so it doesn’t matter who earns what, it all goes to the same place and it’s treated as ours. So we made adjustments and kept retirement contributions going.

      She’s back in the workforce, and even though she took a big pay cut and is literally starting from scratch, at least her retirement is on solid ground. You’re right, divorce just magnifies income inequality, almost always affecting the mother, unless, of course, the mother is a millionaire. Splitting leave to take care of a baby sounds like a great idea, and I wonder if couples should be doing more of that.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Yes, I think that label came from actuaries to describe what can happen for women who stay home and particularly if there’s a divorce without benefit the single budget such as you and your wife have. Nevertheless, it’s pretty blunt.

        Splitting child care leave between parents is relatively new (over about the last 25 years) and its use and popularity is uneven across the country. Depending on the region, use of this alternative goes from a low of about 30% to a high of 92%. I’m very happy to see this change happening. It’s so much better for families and society generally.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. I know, it’s terrible. They are poisoning the minds of young men. Yeah, there are a couple of guys in Congress pushing a bill to end birthright citizenship for all territories. Apparently, the bill is targeting birth tourism, but I don’t think it’s going anywhere. The delegate from Puerto Rico in Congress isn’t even talking about it, so my guess is that it’s one of those moves to satisfy the base only.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

    2. I feel immediately like the group that wants to separate from women is just the trash taking itself out. In reality, though, we are talking about human beings suffering from anger and, likely, loneliness, so I cannot write this group of men off so easily, though I do recognize such people may not be safe for women to be around.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  20. A well-thought out and well-expressed piece, Edward. There is truth in every paragraph and I wish there were more men who would think it through as you have. Kudos to you for not becoming an echo of what you experienced from your father’s treatment of your Mom.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, Terry. I think we need to do our best not to repeat negative family patterns and try to change the family tree. Hopefully, more men will stand up and speak the truth to counter the harmful messages being sent to young men.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

  23. An important issue, Edward. It should be added that Christian Nationalists support a male-dominant point of view toward the married couple.

    Additionally, there has been a movement among women that men are not essential, nor marriage essential to a happy life so long as the woman can make a good living and have a supportive set of friends.

    It should also be remembered that among the earliest reasons for male dominance was early man’s ability to defend his mate against an attack and provide for her when she is pregnant or raising small children. With less interest in creating children, there is also less necessity to have a man around.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Great points, Dr. Stein. I’m a Christian, and this Christian Nationalism is driving me crazy because it’s unbiblical. Multiple Christian scholars have explained that there is no such thing, but some people just love to get attached to whatever supports their worldview.

      I didn’t mention the women’s movement, but you are absolutely right. It’s there and equally toxic, though after years of being treated as less than, women had to fight back somehow.

      I think most men know that we were created with a protective and providing nature, but there is definitely no need for men to use that against women. After all, women have that same nature; they just choose to allow men to fulfill that role since men can’t get pregnant and have babies on their own (well, at least not yet). 😀 I read that Agta women in the Philippines regularly hunt while pregnant, so that says something about women’s abilities.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. Married Christian couples who maybe afraid of their partners in some way, need to go back to Ephesians 5 and reread again, like they did for me, like many couples here on the wedding day.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. I agree, but the issue is that some Christian men take the part about women literally while refusing to obey what God directed them to do. That has created a lot of conflict among Christian couples and set the stage for a double standard.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

  24. I completely agree with your perspective and conclusions Edward. We might have fewer divorces and societal tension if both sexes, but particularly men, could view marriage or relationship as a multiplier of benefits: resiliency, financial health, safety and well being for the children, etc. Manosphere thinking is disturbing.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  25. I can’t believe we’re still having this conversation in 2026, Edward. We’ve always held the view that it doesn’t matter which one of us earns more, as long as we’re earning enough together to meet our financial goals.

    When you see the appalling way many men have treated women over the years, is it any wonder that women are wanting to control their own destiny and be financially independent? Yet somehow this is unacceptable in the eyes of the manosphere and women are supposedly destroying the world. Ugh.

    Liked by 5 people

    Reply

    1. I know, but I guess some people like to live in the past. It’s just incredible how technology is worsening this issue. Now we have podcasts pushing all this nonsense about male superiority to young men. Not sure if you are familiar with the Tate brothers, who are currently under arrest for allegedly committing sexual crimes, and who are also part of the manosphere. It is a very dangerous trend, and it’s definitely good that newspapers continue reporting on these things to raise awareness.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

  28. Great question posed, Edward. My husband and I are both very competitive in everything we do and excel in things we love to do. It just so happened that his position in the stock market as a trader on the floor as a partner in options and specialist brought a lucrative income. I on the other hand was in health in wellness and had I stayed in my field as an OT or RT I would always be in the lower income bracket staying in this field.. While I loved what I did, it truly was maddening because everyone was so enamored with the market and wealth and I felt diminished. His favorite line was “if you can afford her, you can have her ” which exasperated me even more as you can imagine. While a chauvinistic thing to say, he’s far from that but it was inexcusable even being the hands on great father and partner he always has been. I was struck by no matter how noble and important the work I did was, it was a crime that I didn’t get compensated by my selfless work. I resented the whole system and people’s altruistic interest in wealth. While I enjoy our lifestyle, when you are raising 4 kids, there is the everyday duties that keep you absorbed in chores and care giving. I felt unheard and seen which I resented. I also started my own business with a staff. When the stock market closed and his job went caput and had to reinvent himself I moved into action after closing my aerobics studio and bringing it home and was the primary care giver which saved us on many occasions from losing our home after selling our dream home that I forced.
    He forever thanks me for that and now he makes a point to tell me he makes more money than I do since I refuse to work those back breaking hours I did while raising our family and we are working together.
    There is a big part of me that feels it important that woman know their worth, find their career path and excell so they don’t rely on a man to fulfill that. My girl’s have done an amazing job in their careers and I’m quite proud of them. I’m not sure how my son has internalized this but I do hope that it is one of being in a partnership and not having the burden of the entire responsibility. His g.f. is in a care giving role so I should hope he honors and respects that as it’s one of the most needed and sacrificing jobs right up their with having kids.
    Thanks for all of the great information here. Can you see I had a lot to say.. 😂😂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Yes, my friend, it seems like you have a few things to say about the subject. 😀 Thank you for sharing your experience, and I’m sure it resonates with a lot of people. To me, it doesn’t matter what kind of job a person does, it’s all valuable and it contributes immensely to the collective. I’ll tell you, housework is no joke. Between taking care of kids, cleaning, cooking, managing home budgets, buying groceries, and a long list of other things a stay-at-home mom or dad needs to do, I don’t think you can set an adequate compensation. So at a minimum, we should value and support them as much as we can. Great point about caregiving jobs and how low the salaries are, but there are a lot of reports indicating that those are the jobs AI can’t replace, so I think the future is going to be good for them and salaries will dramatically increase.

      Liked by 3 people

      Reply

      1. Just a few, what else is new…😂 You’re so very welcome and I so agree as there is no price tag that can be put on the care giving role and the many positions that come with it and many that are on the job training where we build character. That is a fact. I used to worry about my job being replace but human touch is irreplaceable. Sure, A1 has therapy now.. sigh..(i hear they’re pretty good) and you can jump online for a class but the one on one support isn’t there and I’ve yet to see a client raving about a machine that could replace my hands for body work. Good points!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. 😂 Awesome! AI might be able to provide a set of how-tos on improving mental and physical health, but a machine will never replace the human touch or have empathy. I think your job is pretty safe, my friend.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

  30. This is a fantastic article Edward. In the beginning of our relationship I was making more money. When my husband was laid off, I picked up extra jobs. Roles have reversed and he makes more money now. We’ve both been the breadwinner and the homemaker. We are a team, we work together for the best of each other and our family and the future. We love each other completely, forever. We have no interest in foolish nonsense. I feel very sorry for men who belong to those woman-hater clubs… In the same way I feel sorry for women who belong to man-hater clubs. People who want a partner need to put love first and leave behind whatever goofy notions they have about image, power, money, etc… We need to all do our best, be honorable, and care about each other. If we could all did that, the world would be a pretty amazing place. 💞💞

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Rose! That was a great comment, especially your point about your marriage, so true. Yeah, all these “man-hater” and “woman-hater” groups are just weird. It’s like they believe life gets better by attacking the opposite sex. They’re really just wasting their precious time on earth.

      Like

      Reply

    2. The man hater club reminds me of a line in the movie Jerry Maguire, “I’m in love with the enemy.” We really waste time in thinking that we’re rival parties in competition. Yet we’re helpmates. I remember living with a couple traded insults emanating from their academic qualifications and careers and it wasn’t long before they broke up, only to come back together after more than a decade of desperation, having realized they needed each other as helpmates not rivals.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  31. One saying my dad repeats is “Love is wishing the other person well.” Wanting our partner to have the job that fulfills their talents and dreams is one of those times. Careers are not competition, they are service according to our gifts. When my partner and I joined households, I was making more money. Now the roles have switched. Thanks for this clear sighted article on commitment and partnership, Edward.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. You’re welcome, Rebecca, and thank you for adding that comment about careers. I think there are seasons where responsibilities shift, and we should be okay with that because it’s all about partnership and the things we are accomplishing together.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

  32. Excellent post, Edward. Your article makes clear that the patriarchal society also harms our men. I totally agree with you that “Men need to understand that women are partners, and together they can accomplish far more than either could alone.”

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  33. I’ll occasionally read something and think to myself that I just don’t understand people. Your excellent piece Edward is one of them. If men aren’t in it for the long haul, why get married at all. Why go through the hassle? I proposed to my wife with the idea of spending a lifetime together. Yes, I get the traditional male earner pressures. I’ve felt them. But I also know that at various points in our marriage — when I was laid off or our expenses increased dramatically — my wife’s income has been a Godsend. “Honor your commitments, work together, and build a stronger family with purpose.” Yes, yes, yes Edward. Perfectly said.

    Liked by 5 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Brian, and I’m with you on marriage. I don’t understand it either. Part of being a man is honoring your commitments. When we don’t honor them to the best of our ability, we lose credibility. I guess I never felt that pressure because I never had a male role model in my family. All I saw were women working hard both outside and inside the home.

      Liked by 3 people

      Reply

      1. We have some similarities Edward. When my father had a pretty massive heart attack, it was clear to me that we only survived because of my mom. Her working, her attitude kept us going. It definitely played a role in how I view male/female roles and relationships! Thanks for sharing.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

Leave a comment