An Hour with Surviving Sue

Early this year, I read a wonderful book written by Dr. Vicki Atkinson titled Surviving Sue, and you can read what I wrote about her book here. 

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend an event sponsored by the Cultural and Performing Arts Department of Harper College in Chicago’s northwest area. I spent a little over an hour listening to Vicki speak and read portions of her book.

She read two sections that I also highlighted in my book review: the bank robbery attempt in the part of the book she calls “Sue or Lucy?” and a discussion between Dr. Carol (Sue’s psychiatrist) and Sue, where Dr. Carol said:

“Yes, Sue, you are experiencing the early onset of dementia, and you’re on the road to an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. We may be able to slow the progression with some new medications, but Sue, you can’t manage your medications any longer. It’s too risky. We’ll discuss options. A visiting nurse is a great idea; maybe Vicki can assist with weekly refills and sorting… And while we’re on the topic, Lisa’s medications are a concern… I’m also worried about the other challenges you face, including anxiety and alcoholism… I’m aware that your preoccupation with Lisa’s health points to a condition we once called ‘Munchausen’s by Proxy,’ but now it’s referred to as FDIA (Factitious Disorder Imposed on Another)—basically, it’s about being overly involved with someone else’s health.” (pp. 206–207)

The stories she read and her description of certain events were powerful. One moment brought tears to her eyes—and to mine.

In my book review, I wrote:

“I believe this book should be required reading for all new parents. It’s a book to read slowly, highlighting passages, taking notes, and reflecting on the life experiences Vicki shares—both from her childhood and her adult years. There is much to learn from her grandparents, parents, siblings, and extended family.”

And I believe that even more now after listening to the Question and Answer portion of the lecture. The last two questions of the day confirmed the conclusion I reached after reading her book.

One of the questions was about the involvement of Sue’s family as she struggled with her own problems while raising her two daughters, Lisa and Vicki. We know from reading the book that the family didn’t contribute significantly to easing the pain that Sue, Lisa, and Vicki were going through.

The second question—the most powerful one during the event—came from a young student sitting next to me. She was probably 19 or 20 years old, and she asked Vicki (I’m paraphrasing here): How were you able to avoid passing the generational trauma to your daughter?

After Vicki answered her question, the young student asked for further clarification. She was looking for the answer, and I think Vicki gave it when she explained, in essence, that it took a lot of work and self-study to address the many questions going through her mind at the time.

To me, what the student heard was that it’s hard, but with a lot of work, learning, and self-discovery, it is possible to stop generational trauma from continuing its downward spiral and affecting future generations.

I felt hopeful after listening to this young student’s questions and the way she pressed a little. This country is in good hands, I thought.

After I left the event, I spent some time reflecting while driving back home. I would say that Surviving Sue should be read not only by new parents but by all adults. What Vicki describes in her book can help anyone, because we all have families, and at some point, we are going to face a “Sue” in our lives. It would be a good thing if family members could provide more support so that affected children don’t need to merely “survive”—but instead thrive in a safe environment.

I’m not sure when Vicki will speak next, but if you have the opportunity to attend one of her talks, I highly recommend it. It was a powerful hour.

Thank you, Vicki!

73 thoughts on “An Hour with Surviving Sue”

  2. So wonderful you could attend, Edward. Vicki’s book is important and she is an inspiration and role model. I hope to attend one of her book talks someday. I am originally from the area (at large) but currently living in the West. I hope to return to the Midwest and attend events like this someday soon. So glad to hear that you were able to go!

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  4. So interesting! I think we’re all looking for THE answer in these sorts of situations, but for inter-generational trauma it is rarely that simple. My Nana suffered through Alzheimer’s, and in a way, so did the whole family. Once her diplomacy filter was switched off, all sorts of (her) truths came out (“what’s wrong with you Linda that no man loves you enough to marry you??” (I was about 27 at the time)). Sending well wishes to you and Viki, regards, Linda xx

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    1. Thank you, Linda. You’re definitely right that the answers vary depending on the circumstances, but I think in all cases, it takes time to self-discover and heal. How a person does that is a big factor. Alzheimer’s is such a terrible disease. Sending a virtual hug, my friend.

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    1. I had a great time, and she is an outstanding speaker, and her book is excellent. I agree with you, it’s a devastating illness. I knew people who suffered from it, and it breaks your heart to see the transformation.

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  6. Neat that you went to hear Vicki’s presentation, and to meet her. Indeed, her book is powerful. As is the answer that she gave to the student’s question about not passing along generational trauma. The strength and resilience that Vicki had is inspirational—as is her big heartedness to work on not becoming like Sue. And for sharing her story with us. 🌞

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  7. I’m with others Edward, a great post. Beautifully explained. I felt like I was there. Great that you were able to attend. Gotta admit a twinge of jealousy. Ha, ha. Here’s to bloggers encouraging bloggers. Love it. I especially love that you focused on how adults, not just parents, should read Vicki’s book. I had the same feeling when I read the book. Yes, it got me thinking about how to make sure I didn’t pass on the trauma of my own family, but it really got me thinking about how to respond to my own family members. Great advice. Love seeing the pix of the both of you too!!!

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    1. Thank you very much, Brian. I think that question about family involvement in Sue’s situation got me thinking about how family members should approach these kinds of situations. Obviously, not getting involved when there are children who are suffering is not the answer, but what can they do? I think Vicki’s book provides some answers. Yes, sharing that little bit of time with Vicki was awesome, and seeing her in action was worth the drive.

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        1. Yeah, that’s a drive. I wish we had a better train system. It would be nice to jump on a train, visit, and be back home on the same day. Who knows, maybe she’ll be invited one of these days to speak in PA.

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  8. This is so beautiful, Edward! I love how you highlighted the questions that Vicki answered. You’re right – we can all learn from Surviving Sue and doing the work the Vicki describes helps us all, no matter what childhood and trauma we’ve faced. So incredible that you took the time to attend. I love it!

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  12. Wow, this is such a wonderful testimony to Vicki’s book and it’s been on my TBR list forever and I couldn’t agree more with you that it should be required reading. I’ve read parts and excerpts and knowing Vicki is an example of how she has put her heart and soul into teaching and educating others as she has dealt with living in a family with her mom, “Surviving Sue”!
    How cool you got to hear her speak Edward! That is just so cool! 😎 😇🥰

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  14. I so agree, Edward; it takes a lot of inner work to dissolve the traumas and the dysfunctional patterns passed on to us. Personally, I found that forgiveness was a key aspect of this inner work. Sometimes understanding may not be enough to break the generational chain; it has to be healed and released. Otherwise, the pattern may emerge again at some point in time where distress is present. A wonderful post, my friend, full of insights and good memories. Thanks for sharing! I truly appreciated reading and reflecting on the topic. With appreciation, I am sending you light and blessings and wishing you a peaceful weekend ✨🙏

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    1. Thank you so much, my friend. You’re absolutely right about the need to heal and let go. If not, negative thoughts will return and may lead to the same harmful behavior we’re trying to avoid in order to break the cycle. Wonderfully said. I hope you’re having a wonderful weekend, full of light and blessings. 🙏🏼

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  18. I’m so happy to see this review, Edward, as I also wanted to attend but was unable to due to some health problems. How disappointing to not only miss Vicki’s excellent presentation but meeting you as well.

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  22. Edward, Edward, Edward. It was such a privilege to have you in the room yesterday. Thank you so much for your presence, your insight, your deep read of my book. Embracing the story, seeing the undercurrents and seeing me – understanding the nuances about why I wrote. Ever grateful to you for your friendship.
    💝😊💝

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    1. You’re so welcome, Vicki. It was my pleasure, and what an incredible experience it was. I think this is the first time I’ve experienced the entire process of reading a book and then participating in a talk, seeing the interaction of the author with the audience in real time. Your story deserves to be highlighted every chance we get. It’s that important.

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      1. I loved your insights – written here in your post and your spectacular review. I also loved the Q & A – and the student who was sitting near you – her questions! It was clear to me she understood the mission behind writing about Sue and my overarching goals…which you absolutely understand, too. Being our best, building resilience even when some we’re related to, by blood, cannot provide the safety and love we need. I wasn’t joking about another meet-up sometime so we can actually visit! Yesterday was too short…not enough “Edward time”. Many, many thanks my friend! 💝😊💝

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        1. Thank you so much, my friend. I definitely agree with you about that student, she understood, and I would say she is probably on a mission herself. Yes, we need to get together so we can talk more and start planning the convention with our friend Wynne and others.

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          1. I love it! And yes…I made a note of the student’s name. I loved that a few attendees have already reached out – taking me up on my offer to meet for coffee to talk more. So good! And yes, yes, yes to a gathering of blogging friends. Appreciate you, Edward! 💝😊💝

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              1. You are too kind. You’re doing the same…right here in your blog. Sharing yourself and your terrific thoughts about what matters most in life – in so many ways. Poetry, compelling book reviews. Inspiring, Edward! 🥰❤️🥰

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  23. Oh, I’m bit jealous Edward, I would love to be in the audience when Vicki speaks about “Surviving Sue”. I don’t know if she’ll ever be close enough for me to attend. Thank you for sharing this experience. I really enjoyed reading Vicki’s book, and found so much in it that resonated with me prompting me to write my review of her book on my blog. I agree with you, everyone should read it. And how wonderful that a young person was so interested in it to ask questions and try to learn how to stop generational trauma. Hugs to that student.

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