The Questions We Don’t Ask — And Why They Matter, Part 12

When I first read Dr. Stein’s post and scanned all the questions he laid out for us, I thought about how great of an exercise answering them would be. One question, in particular, caught my attention right away—one that invited deep personal reflection.

That question was:

What have you learned about life that you didn’t grasp in early adulthood?

To answer this question, I needed to think about a framework to identify when early adulthood actually begins. My first thought was age 18. But then I remembered what we used to say in the Army when a young officer got promoted to Captain. Even though the officer was now wearing Captain’s rank (different from a Navy Captain, who is a senior officer equivalent to a Colonel in the Army), that newly promoted Captain was still a Lieutenant (a junior officer) at heart. It usually took one to two years to truly grasp what the rank of Captain was all about.

After some research and reflection, I found an article by psychologist Margie E. Lachman in Science Direct that provided a helpful framework. According to the article:

“Adulthood is usually divided into several periods: young or early adulthood (approximately ages 20–39), middle adulthood (40–59), and old age (60+). Old age is typically divided into the periods of young old (60–75) and old old (75 and up).”1

Early adulthood starting at age 20 makes a lot of sense. Besides, I like that she calls those between 60 and 75 “young old,” so it’s good to know that I can still say I’m “young” eight years from now.

With that in mind, and knowing that my early adulthood began at 20, I can now describe two areas in which I’ve learned a great deal over the past 32 years or so.

First, there is always more than one point of view to every issue, and that we need to search through the noise to find the truth.

We learn at an early age to see things as either black or white, and we often carry that mindset into early adulthood. The reality, now that I’m in the later part of my middle adulthood, is that there are countless shades in between. Seeing things in extreme, absolute terms, with no middle ground or nuance, is unwise.

Subjects such as the economy, immigration, health and reproductive rights, crime, and global warming (just to name a few) are not just labels that force people to stand on the extreme right or left of the spectrum. There’s a vast space between those extremes that needs to be understood in order to find the middle ground that satisfies the needs of the majority. And I’m not talking about 51% of the population, I mean closer to 80% or more. I’ve come to understand that reaching 100% satisfaction is impossible.

The second is worldview. When I was 20, my worldview was shaped by what I experienced in Puerto Rico and the few states I had visited in the mainland U.S. I compared my lack of money and resources to what I saw around me, people who had more and lived more comfortably. I was always focused on improving my own circumstances.

Many people in this country, and I’m sure it’s the same elsewhere, measure success, possessions, and even beliefs based on their narrow view of the world, often limited to their own community. We compare our socioeconomic issues among ourselves—how bad it is in California versus Texas, for example.

Now, with more experience under my belt, I’m able to take a broader view and compare our situation to what people in Afghanistan, or Sudan are experiencing for example. And I can definitely say that I have enough, and that I’m content. I can also help others with what I have.

When you expand your scope, you realize that our problems aren’t as severe as pundits and politicians claim. What’s happening in this country often feels like the work of politicians stuck in early adulthood—people who should know better.

This country has vast resources, certainly more than Afghanistan, or Sudan, and our people are not suffering on the same level as those in the countries I just mentioned. A person who has graduated from early adulthood should be able to see life, reality, and human existence through a broader worldview, not just through what they see on their way to work, church, or the grocery store.

At this point, you might be thinking, How am I supposed to see things broadly if I don’t have the time or resources to travel the world? Well, that’s what books are for. Scrolling all day on TikTok or Facebook won’t get you there—but reading good books will.

There’s much more I could say about what I’ve learned about life that I didn’t grasp in early adulthood, and I could easily write an insanely long post. But that’s not my intent. I try to write enough to get people thinking about different issues—that’s always my hope.

As with my other posts, my hope here is that you understand that perspective matters. As you grow older, your view of things should expand too, leaving behind narrow perspectives and embracing a broader one that will greatly enrich your life.

I really enjoyed answering these 12 questions over the past two months. They helped me reflect on my past, where I am now, and where I need to go, God willing. I know most of us live in a hurry, jumping from one activity to another and forgetting to take a moment to slow down and engage with the present. Exercises like the one I just completed, answering these challenging questions, can help with that. Along the way, you may discover a new perspective and perhaps gain the empathy needed to avoid rushing to judgment, which I believe was Dr. Stein’s main purpose.  

  1. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/computer-science/early-adulthood ↩︎

Previous Questions:

Part 1: Are you as happy as you appear to be?
Part 2: What single moment in your life would you repeat?
Part 3: If you conclude that the afterlife you believe in isn’t real, how would you alter the way you live?
Part 4: How do you determine what is right and good in a moral sense? To what degree do you depend on sacred texts or clerics?
Part 5: Do you travel much? Why? Why not?
Part 6: Are you happier alone or with others?
Part 7: When did you recognize you were aging? How did you react?
Part 8: Do you expect reciprocity in most relationships?
Part 9: What does money mean to you? Why? Do you display generosity?
Part 10: How have you changed in the last 10 years?
Part 11: Do you worry about what people say about you? Why? What difference does it make?

60 thoughts on “The Questions We Don’t Ask — And Why They Matter, Part 12”

  2. “What’s happening in this country often feels like the work of politicians stuck in early adulthood—people who should know better.” – oh jeez, Edward, ain’t the sad-ass truth! Words of wisdom, just like this whole post. The things you have learned as you have gotten older align pretty squarely with the things I have learned and am continuing to learn. Probably the moment I realized I was starting to get the first blush of wisdom was this realization: if I know so much more now than I did 10 years ago, then the people about 10 years older than myself probably know things that I don’t yet know. And that gives me hope.

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  3. As a young person growing up in the 1960s and 1970s, there was a lot of pressure to conform from all sides. It was a very confusing time. I’ve had to learn from experience what is most important in life – survival. All the philosophizing and blueskying is nonsense. It’s a luxury reserved for those who live in comfort and security. Life doesn’t change; human nature doesn’t change. We’re still arguing about the same things that people were arguing over 50-100 years ago and longer. Technology changes. It feels like humans are regressing as technology progresses.

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  4. Hi Edward, you are ending this series with another thought provoking discussion. It is reasonable to expect people in positions of power to understand world context in terms of history, economics and societal issues. Unfortunately. Many leaders are just too self absorbed and power hungry to care. I also believe that terms in power are too short for leaders to take any responsibility. They are either in and out like ships in the night or dictators who have no regard for their people.

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    1. Thank you, Robbie, and you made such an excellent point about some leaders who know better but are too self absorbed to do the right thing. It goes against everything you learn about leadership and bothers me sometimes. I just read a couple of weeks ago that there’s a leader in Africa who has been in power for over 46 years. Unbelievable!

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  5. This has me pondering why some people seem to learn and embrace so much more as they age, and some seem not to change – like your example of ‘politicians stuck in early adulthood’. We would think that as politicians travel the world and hear stories of so many other people, their worldviews would expand – yet they appear to refuse to learn and grow.
    Thank you for this series, Edward, you gave us a lot to think about as you asked and answered these questions.

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    1. Thank you so much, Rose. Our politicians are a pretty sad bunch. They’re so drunk with power that they’ll do anything to keep it. I really appreciate your comment, and I’m glad that you found the series useful.

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  6. At 61, I don’t consider myself old so I was surprised to see that old age starts at 60. I wonder if that will change as people live longer.

    I wish I had learned earlier that posessions don’t define you. I spent my 20s, 30s, and 40s accumulating stuff. Finally in my mid 50s, I realized all that stuff didn’t add value and started purging.

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    1. Well, it’s actually “young old,” Michelle. I like the “young” part of that. 😀 People are definitely living longer, so you’re probably right about the age breakdown. Since I was in the military and moving every two or three years, I did a lot of purging along the way. It takes a lot of focus not to accumulate stuff and to keep only what’s necessary. Thank you, Michelle, for reading and commenting.

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  7. I concur with both your points. A broader viewpoint on issues is important to develop. The decisions we have to make in life take reflection, study, and luck. Few situations are all good or all bad. My worldview changed dramatically in my 20s. Travel helped, but it was reading world history and politics that was a real eye opener about the world. Thanks for your thoughtful replies to the questions and. the interesting discussions they generated.

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    1. You’re very welcome, and thank you for commenting, Rebecca. I like that you included the luck factor in the decision-making process because sometimes you can come up with a great plan, but most of the time it comes down to timing and luck. The discussions were great, and I really enjoyed reading about the experiences of others.

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  9. I’ve learned not to rush to judgement. Being an impulsive person, that was much harder than it sounds! I believing rushing to judgement is something many politicians want people to do. They don’t want them to stop and think. The violence aspect is truly disturbing.

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  11. “I know most of us live in a hurry, jumping from one activity to another and forgetting to take a moment to slow down and engage with the present.”
    This is so true and so very meaningful, Edward. Learning to slow down and engage with the present was a long and difficult process for me, because during the entire time of the 40+ years of my full time nursing career, I was well-trained to constantly watch the clock and to plan every non-working moment of my life so I could fit everything in. Finally, after being retired for almost 11 years, living in the moment is becoming doable. I’ve appreciated all of your posts in this exercise because every one has led to self-reflection of my own … so thank you for taking the time to participate in the challenge.

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    1. Thank you so much, Terry. Nursing is such a stressful career, but fulfilling, I think, because helping others is such a privilege. I think retirement is when you can actually take the time to focus on yourself. It’s almost impossible to do that while working because you get overwhelmed by all the commitments. I’m loving my unstructured schedule. I’m glad you found the posts useful.

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  12. Thanks for sharing this, Edward — and for the age range definitions. It seems that an important thing so many people never learn, at any age, is the ability to see issues (whether financial, political, or personal — including health matters) from the perspective of the other person.

    What have I learned since early adulthood? Even now in my 60s I ask myself “Why didn’t I see that?!” That I’m constantly learning and realizing things I “should” have done differently to succeed in personal life and in my business/Federal career. Yet following those “shoulds” would have diminished who I am. Also it would have made me the kind of person that I detest. Which would be better? I honestly don’t know. Thanks for letting us ponderate with you. It’s always interesting, on a deep level, here. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Teagan. You brought up a great point about those ‘shoulds’ in our lives. There was a time when all I did was think about those, and it became consuming, so I let go of that. All we can do is stay aware and be ready to change if we notice that we’re heading in the wrong direction. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and we become better because of them. I hope you have a great weekend.

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  13. Love it! Excellent.

    I believe you are correct. The problems of the world are generally seen through a narrow scope of 50 miles or less. Opening a door to view problems on a larger scale reduces the issue to almost meaningless compared to those of the world.

    Keep on keeping on!

    ~Kimberly

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  14. I so agree with you, Edward; perspective matters! I would even risk saying perspective is everything. And if we don’t expand perspective as we go through life, chances are we missed an important aspect of being alive. This is a very profound question, worthy of thoughtful reflection. I will stay with it for a while longer… There’s a lot to consider here given the richness of my life experiences so far. Thank you, my friend, for this important question and for your wise and profound point of view. It’s always enriching to read from you. Lots of light and blessings your way, today and always ✨🙏

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    1. Thank you, Susana. I think your view is spot on, perspective is everything. The more we expand our perspective, the better we become. One-sided or narrow perspectives are causing so many headaches in our society. We must change and become better people. Blessings to you, my friend, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

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  15. I really appreciate how you framed growth as an expansion of perspective — from seeing the world in black and white to recognizing all the shades in between. Your insight about comparing our circumstances not just locally but globally really resonated with me. It’s a powerful reminder of how gratitude and empathy grow when we widen our view of the world. Thank you for sharing such grounded wisdom — it’s the kind of reflection that inspires others to pause, think, and see life with more depth and understanding.

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  19. So much food for thought Edward and I’m really happy I’ll be considered young/old for awhile. For me, I value, time, friendship, love, time, work and play. I know whats important and what isn’t and stuff means nothing to me. I love giving to charities when I can and wish I could give more but I’m blown away just how much it costs to live and how much time it takes to pay for that. It’s a catch 22. We could sell everything and then where do we go if we want to stay in the area… Balancing everyones needs is a challenge. 🤗

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  21. Thank you for taking up my challenge, Edward. One of the reasons I started blogging was to encourage people to think. In my experience, when someone asks a question and is given an answer, I have often heard something like, “Oh, that makes sense” and no further questions are asked.

    I have been spoiled a bit by reading Plato’s account of Socrates’s life, most of which involves dialogues between Socrates and those who thought they understood the world. He endlessly questioned those high and low. Usually, they wanted him to give them answers that wouldn’t challenge them.

    As I age I find that both the questions change and the answers change. I have found this kind of engagement with others to be interesting, enjoyable, and an experience I learn from.

    We should remember, of course, that Socrates was put on trial by the male, property owning citizens of Athens for undermining the behavior of the young people who admired him. Put another way, not everyone, now or then, wants to be questioned too much and to think too much about their shortcomings. We are better at pointing fingers at others than we are at ourselves.

    One other thing. Socrates said that he didn’t know anything. He believed that was his justification for asking questions.

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    1. I truly appreciate your thoughtful comment, Dr. Stein, and I completely agree with you. Hopefully, I don’t receive the same treatment as Socrates, though we are still reading his thoughts many centuries later, so maybe I shouldn’t be too afraid.

      I’m reading The Republic and really enjoying the dialogue format. I think that’s how we should debate our current issues; maybe we can get straight answers that way.

      I also think you are achieving your goal of making us think, at least that’s the case for me.

      Thank you for your questions, and I look forward to more of them.

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