A Life Remembered, A Lesson for Parents Everywhere

I have been debating for a few days now whether to write a reflection on a recent loss in our family. I was thinking about just writing it in my journal, but then I thought that putting my thoughts on this medium could help someone out there, and if I can help even one person, then it’s worth disclosing the event that happened about ten days ago.

Life can be very challenging when a person is born into a home that wasn’t ready for them. I’ve mentioned many times in my writing how important parenting is. It’s a significant calling that should not be taken lightly.

I’m going to leave out names because they are not important—only the events leading to this tragedy are.

A little over a week ago, I lost my cousin in a motorcycle accident. I don’t know all the details, but apparently, he went out to celebrate the news that he was going to be a grandfather, which makes the incident even more tragic.

He was 48 years old when he lost his life, one of eight cousins on my mother’s side of the family. I’m the eldest of the group and remember how much fun we had when we were growing up—climbing trees, playing soldiers, and running around all day, which was typical in those days.

He was born into a home consumed by substance abuse—drugs and alcohol—and to a couple of young parents who ended up together by chance, I guess, but definitely in over their heads.

We all know that children born and raised in homes where adults use substances are likely to have adverse childhood experiences and to use alcohol and drugs themselves later in life. He was born into such a place and started his life at a disadvantage.

I believe he had an okay life until he reached junior high and high school. That’s when his problems began. There were signs that he was starting to use drugs, and things quickly went from bad to worse. His life spiraled downward, culminating in the terrible accident that took his life.

His faults due to drug addiction were many during his adult life, but I’m not going to mention them out of respect for the family. He left behind three adult children.

The last time I spoke to him was over 30 years ago, and in my mind, that’s when I truly lost him. I want to keep it that way so I can remember the good times, not the difficult life he lived.

That last conversation also marked the moment I decided to keep my family at a distance because, as I recently read, “people do what they need to do to survive.” I felt that I needed to do that for my own sake, and I still believe I made the right decision to this day. I’m a firm believer that you need to get out of toxic environments as soon as you can in order to have a chance at a better and different life. My cousin didn’t have that chance. He stayed in that environment and not only destroyed his life but also the lives of those around him.

He was unable to receive the help and support he truly needed and instead received an irrational, “let’s keep everything quiet” type of inadequate support typical of some families that want to pretend everything is okay.

Parents cannot afford to pretend when a child needs help. Children need a champion in their corner, someone who will move heaven and earth to make sure they receive the support they need. Parents aren’t perfect, of course, and we don’t know everything, but at a minimum, we should be able to call experts who can guide us in the right direction, people who help those in need for a living and can provide options. Options that my cousin needed over 30 years ago.

This is a call to action for parents whose children are struggling with substance abuse or other serious issues: Don’t be passive and don’t wish the issue away. This is the time to be your child’s champion. Search for help online and call as many numbers as you need to in order to get the support required. Never give up!

I’m not mourning the loss of my cousin because I did that over 30 years ago. I’m sad for his mother and the rest of the family who are mourning his loss now.

I remember him as a happy kid, my playmate, and I know that he is finally at peace now.

Note: I’m sure family support systems vary depending on the country you live in, but if you are in the United States, you can start with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at https://www.samhsa.gov/ or call or text 988. You can even chat with someone at 988lifeline.org.

120 thoughts on “A Life Remembered, A Lesson for Parents Everywhere”

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss, my Dear Friend. Life can be so unfair, and it’s hard to see loved ones struggle. Your words are a strong reminder to be present, to act, and to love intentionally.

    We know that God sees every heart, every struggle, and He comforts those who mourn.

    Praying that His peace surrounds you and your family, and that your cousin rests in His loving arms.

    My Deepest Condolences to You and the Familia

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  8. Thank you for sharing your experience of loss. It resonates with me in my own life, separating myself from toxicity, and it’s not something we need to feel guilty about when help and love are refused. Still, it is a loss, and I pray for healing for you, and all your family.

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  11. Edward…I am so very sorry for the loss in your family. For what it’s worth, I honor and support the decisions you made about creating space – distance – as a way to protect those you love. And your poignant post, pointing to resources like SAMSHSA is perfect. These words are heartbreaking but real:
    “He was unable to receive the help and support he truly needed and instead received an irrational, “let’s keep everything quiet” type of inadequate support typical of some families that want to pretend everything is okay.”
    💝💔💝

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    1. Thank you so much, my friend. I really appreciate your support. Family is an important part of our society, and we must always love each other. But, we also need to realize that we are imperfect. As we engage in “doing family,” we should remain aware of things that can harm our well-being, so we don’t get dragged down to a dark place with no return.

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  12. Sad but important story 💔 — a reminder of how deeply early experiences and family support shape the course of a life. 🕊️ Let this be a call for parents to be brave and present, because sometimes their care can truly save a life. 🌱

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  13. Thank you for sharing your thoughtful words. Reading what you wrote made me reflect deeply, and I found myself looking back on my own life as well. I could relate to it even more because I’ve also tried to live a life of initiative. Thank you again, and my sincere condolences for your loss.

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  17. I am sorry for the people closest to him. When you love someone that is caught up in drugs and alcohol- you know that there is a chance that you will lose them every time they leave your sight- but that in no way prepares you for their actual loss. In a way I think that makes it harder- because not only do you lose your loved one- but all the hopes and dreams and prayers you poured into them- are all gone too.

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    1. Oh, Violet, you are so right. My family has been pouring into him for decades, so I really feel for his mom and two of my aunts who are going through a hard time right now. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment.

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  18. I’m sorry to read about your cousin’s passing, Edward, but your post is a beautiful and moving call to action. Thank you for bringing awareness to a topic that more often than not brings tragedy. Even though it’s been thirty years for you, I’m sending healing hugs, and holding his family in my heart.

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  19. A compassionate and stirring call to action at the end. It does seem that society needs more of this encouragement. Sorry to read of this tragedy, dear Edward, for his/your family now and thirty years ago. 🥀

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  20. Just so you know, the time and effort you took to compose this post with respect for The Family’s privacy & feelings as an extra step of care, helps others to truly feel and understand your own experience. And to hear the message you wish to pass on based upon those experiences. Thanks for ‘winning the debate’ with yourself and posting.

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  22. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose someone especially someone close to you. I also lost my elder brother 5 years ago in the same motorbike accident, and he died instantly, even before he was rushed to the hospital.

    Most parents are living as tenants with their children, with no discipline, no manners, no respect, no communication, and no fear whatsoever. Children can do whatever they want to do, go out and come in whenever they please, and parents don’t even care.

    I think parents should do better, because as you are training a child, you are training a community that will later make a great society.

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    1. Thank you, and I’m also sorry for your loss. Parenting is difficult, and I think society needs to recognize that and provide the tools to help the younger generation fully grasp the level of responsibility before starting their own families.

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  25. It’s good that you shared this post, Edward.
    I had a cousin who was a dear friend during childhood. We lost touch as adults. (Although this was in our late 20s.) I had no idea of the difficulties that became his young life or that he was suffering… Until I learned he had died. What I’m trying to say is this (and you cousin) is a weird kind of double grief. The loss is on multiple levels and some of those levels are mystifying, making them harder to process. Sincere condolences. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Teagan, and you’re right, it’s a weird feeling. The process of remembering him as a little boy, how our relationship ended, and now how his life ended is something new to me. But he’s at peace now, and my hope is that his family finds healing and that the cycle ended with him.

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  26. I’m sorry to read of your loss! I’m sorry too for the loss of years you could have had with your cousin should the path have taken a different turn for him. Sending good vibes to you and your family.

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  28. A very touching and important post, Edward! I bow to you for the courage to write this story that, as you said, was meant to be a call to action for parents whose children are struggling. Your message was clear: “Don’t be passive and don’t wish the issue away,” and your story was real. A tragic example of how things may unfold when not addressed adequately. You touched a very profound point, especially relevant to me, though with totally different details, and that seems to set the events and unfoldings of a person’s life: “Life can be very challenging when a person is born into a home that wasn’t ready for them.” Very challenging indeed! Toxic environments are exactly that—toxic, or put differently, harmful and even lethal. Thank you for this profound reflection, my friend! Knowing that your cousin is finally at peace brings some sort of solace! With appreciation, sending you light and blessings ✨🙏

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  29. That must have been such a difficult loss to process. I can understand your hesitation about writing something so personal, but as you said, sharing such reflections can bring comfort or perspective to someone who needs it. Your words on parenting being a sacred calling truly resonate and the story of your cousin is a poignant reminder of how fragile and unpredictable life can be. Thank you for choosing to write with such honesty and heart.🙏🏻

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  33. Thank you, Edward, for this honest presentation about the loss of your cousin, recently yet also 30 years ago. Substance abuse harms so many families, especially young children of parents with addiction. It is so sad to see family members suffer. Thanks for your positive message to never give up!

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  34. I’m sorry, Edward. Totally agree that parenting is a significant calling and we need to bring our best selves to this. You do such a great job of highlighting the patterns like substance abuse that need to be broken. Such a tragedy.

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  37. “I’m a firm believer that you need to get out of toxic environments as soon as you can in order to have a chance at a better and different life.” Yes, yes, well said Edward. I couldn’t agree more. It might be too late for your cousin, but hopefully others read and take heed of your advice. So sorry for your loss.

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  38. Edward, this was so good of you to write and it must have painful in writing. So very sorry for your loss! I came from a family like this and they are all dead now except my sister whom I swore to my husband and my doctor I would never contact. So much pain. I wasn’t even able to admit to myself that my parents had serious problems of all kinds until many years after their death. Now at 75 I am getting the help I told my parents I needed when I was 12. It’s been tough. You made the right decision to remove yourself from your family. Death removed them from me. Wishing you the very best of mental and emotional healing and thank you for sharing your painful story.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and I’m glad that you’re finding healing and the support you need. It’s definitely tough throughout the entire process, both while you’re in the midst of the problem and later, when you’re finally out and recovering from the pain. I’m resolving a lot of issues internally and feeling the peace that comes with it.

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  39. My goodness, Edward. This was a powerful post from beginning to end. Sincere condolences on the loss of your cousin. Even though you weren’t close in recent years, you have the loss of the closeness of your youth. I get that. I have cousins who, many years ago, were as close to me as siblings. I’m positive that your post will be helpful for anyone struggling with addiction – be it the addict or the friends/family. Kudos to you for another raw, candid, and important post. Your post makes your cousin’s life and memory valuable, in that it will help others.

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    1. Thank you very much, Terry. We were definitely close growing up, and those are the years I want to keep in my memory. My hope with this post is to reach that one person who stumbles upon it on the internet and might find it helpful for their situation.

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  43. I understand your loss on a personal level, Edward. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my older brother to a drug overdose. Thank you for sharing his story, as well as including all of the resource information… hugs

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    2. Life is complicated and, as you know, the cards we are dealt when young sometimes determine the outcome of a life. Not everyone can cut ties as you did, Edward. I will be thinking of you and your cousin.

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  44. Thank you so much for sharing this story, Edward, even though it wasn’t easy. The decisions people make — whether they choose to stay in dysfunction or leave — carry profound consequences. Staying often means repeating the same cycles and becoming trapped. While leaving can mean we go alone, with no idea how to build a life – all we have are our hopes and dreams of something better. I’m sorry for your loss; even when we’ve mourned someone long before their actual passing, their death can still weigh heavily on us. There’s a lingering sadness about missed opportunities to have the kind of relationship we hoped for.
    And thank you for encouraging parents and adults to reach out and take action to help the young people in their life.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Rose. The decision to stay out of that cycle is really tough, but it’s one that needs to be made. Yes, I think you are right about lingering sadness, and I remember thinking early on, when he started that cycle, that I should find ways to help him. But I was a young adult struggling with my own life, so I didn’t have the tools to do that.

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  48. I am so sorry for the loss of one that went from making cool memories with you, down the rabbit hole of what was laid out before him, it is so sad but your piece is factual and I know it well. My mom once asked how I could just shut off the love and affection for those so close to me, be it family or friends. I told her it was about self preservation I could no longer sit and preach as well as beg as I was losing me. Take care and know that he loved you the very best he could. HUGS

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    1. Thank you very much, Eunice. It’s definitely a hard decision to make, but, like you said, self-preservation is key. Also, we just get tired of having circular discussions about an issue year after year, without an end in sight.

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  49. So true
    My mom has been supporting my brothers gambling problem for over forty years now. He is dead now but she still supports her daughter in laws gambling problem. and her grand daughters alcohol problem for twenty five years
    Mean while I, her care giver , get nothing because there is no money left over for me And none of them help out around here
    This is common amongst care givers
    And, she claims to be a Christian.
    She is just as much at fault for their addictions as they are because she supports it

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    1. Yes, we need to be careful not to become enablers. That’s the worst thing we can do for our children, other family members, or friends, for that matter. We need to speak the truth in love and help them succeed.

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