The Questions We Don’t Ask — And Why They Matter, Part 11

I can’t believe I’ve already worked my way through ten questions. Some of them took me back decades, reminding me of both the good and the bad in my life. It’s been a great exercise to reflect on where I was and where I am now, and the transformation is incredible. As I pondered this week’s question, knowing that next week will be the last in the series, I was struck once again by how amazed I am at the things I used to worry about in my teens and twenties, things that, in retrospect, now that I’m in my fifties, weren’t important at all.

This week’s question is:

Do you worry about what people say about you? Why? What difference does it make?

Well, like I was saying, I used to worry about a lot of things in my teens and early twenties. Even though I was an introvert, I was pretty good at engaging in conversation, so that wasn’t the problem. It was mostly external things, like the clothes I wore and, especially, my shoes. Growing up in Puerto Rico back then, the brand of shoes you wore could make or break your chances of hanging out with the “cool kids.”

Luckily, in Puerto Rico, students wore uniforms, which eased the burden of worrying about what kind of clothes you had, but what about after school? 

Oh my, that was a big trauma. Most of the time, I didn’t go anywhere because I didn’t have the resources to buy the clothes that were “needed” to attend parties or birthdays. The period between ages 13 and 17 was a bit of a nightmare, and I sometimes wonder how I survived.

Can you see how absurd that is? I see it now, but back then, it was a huge issue. That’s why I’m very empathetic toward teens and the issues they face while navigating their social environments. I experienced it myself, and I’m sure everyone has at some point—even if some people don’t want to admit it.

I remember the first big dance I went to. I was in ninth grade, and it was a big deal. I didn’t know what to wear, and I was a nervous wreck, but I pushed myself to go, wearing the best I had at the time and hoping for the best. I found a friend and stayed with him for part of the party. It was really dark, which was a relief because people couldn’t really see what I was wearing. I think I danced once or twice and left maybe an hour after I arrived. After that experience, and realizing that most parties were dark enough to blend in, I felt a bit more relaxed attending high school dances.

High school was a scary time, especially when house parties came into the mix. I was getting comfortable with dances because the darkness made it easier to blend in, but house parties were different. A gathering of ten or fifteen kids in a house, staring at each other’s clothes all night, was terrifying. Not to mention what they would say the next day at school! Looking back at my high school pictures now, I realize how silly my thinking was. Some of my friends were wearing t-shirts and shorts, so why was I so concerned about my clothes? Who knows—but it shows how much worth we placed on appearances and the societal pressures we felt then. I’m sure most teens experience similar pressures today—probably worse because of social media, which we didn’t have back then.

With a friend – senior year of high school
(Please go ahead and have a laugh)

I started college the same way, still worrying about what I was wearing, but that faded after the first year for two reasons. First, I didn’t have enough money to cover all my college expenses, so clothes became a low priority. Second, I realized that college was a whole different world, what you wore didn’t matter at all. We were focused on studying and surviving those long night exams. Shorts and flip-flops were the norm. For parties, jeans and a short-sleeve shirt or polo were all you needed. By the time I left college, in my mid-twenties, to join the active-duty Army, I was finally at ease with what I wore.

Now, I really don’t care about brands. I have no problem buying clothes at Walmart or Target. In fact, back when I had a Facebook account, I only bought new clothes if I saw a photo of myself wearing the same shirt or pants for five or more years. Some of you know what I mean—you see an old photo and think, “Man, I need to buy a new shirt.” I don’t have Facebook anymore, so I might never buy new clothes again. 🙂

So to answer the question, yes, I used to worry a lot about what people said about me back then. I didn’t have much money, and I was afraid of rejection. It made a big difference in my life, and in the number and types of friends I had. It caused some major internal conflicts in my younger years.

I’m okay now. I don’t care about those external things anymore, and I’ve learned what’s truly important in life—and clothes or the kind of friends you have aren’t part of that list. I definitely don’t care what people say about me anymore.

But those experiences matter because I lived through all of that and understand some of the challenges teenagers face today. As I said, we didn’t have social media back then, so that part I can’t fully relate to, but I can imagine how much worse it must be now. Teenagers today often measure their worth by the number of “likes” they get or the nasty comments they receive, which can be devastating at such a key time in their lives. I’m painfully aware of how many teens we lose every year because of online bullying, and it’s heartbreaking.

Now I have empathy for our teens, and I’m not quick to label them. For that, I have my teenage years—and all the unnecessary worrying I did back then—to thank.

Previous Questions:

Part 1: Are you as happy as you appear to be?
Part 2: What single moment in your life would you repeat?
Part 3: If you conclude that the afterlife you believe in isn’t real, how would you alter the way you live?
Part 4: How do you determine what is right and good in a moral sense? To what degree do you depend on sacred texts or clerics?
Part 5: Do you travel much? Why? Why not?
Part 6: Are you happier alone or with others?
Part 7: When did you recognize you were aging? How did you react?
Part 8: Do you expect reciprocity in most relationships?
Part 9: What does money mean to you? Why? Do you display generosity?
Part 10: How have you changed in the last 10 years?

70 thoughts on “The Questions We Don’t Ask — And Why They Matter, Part 11”

  1. Like you, Edward, I feel a great deal of empathy for young people, and I agree social media must have made the teen years more difficult. Hopefully, for most of us, we become more comfortable in our own skin as we age. I know that I still feel insecure in some situations, but I can rationally understand why, and I don’t automatically assume the reason I feel insecure is because I’m unworthy in some way. Aging does have its gifts if we are willing to receive them.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you for such a wonderful comment, Lori. The part about rationally understanding the why, and that aging does have its gifts if we are willing to receive them, was so good. I think that’s the benefit of the experience we gain as we age: discernment.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  6. Our world falls apart thinking about others how they think about us when we do things in our own way. A person who is worried about what other people might be thinking about him or her is in a way constrained by things beyond their control.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Absolutely! I think the problem is that we don’t learn that philosophical truth when we are little, that we should not worry about things that are out of our control. Thank you.

      Like

      Reply

  7. Great photo, Edward, and another thought-provoking, honest answer. When I was younger, I worried about what others thought. It’s really an exhausting mindset to ‘live in.’ But once I reached that point of ‘who cares what others think’ I felt a sense of freedom. Maybe this freedom is one perk to watching the years pass by. I love what you wrote about teens too because they’re under so much pressure. Thanks for giving us more food for thought. Have a great Monday!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  8. I grew up with that in my brain, my mother would always say, what will people think? I tried as an adult not to care what they think, but sometimes people just say what’s on their mind without filters and it’s hard to ignore.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  9. Hi Edward, like you, I came from a home where money was always an issue. I always read a lot and like non mainstream music o I always felt like an outsider. Like I was putting on a big act to fit in with others. Now it doesn’t matter. I accept that I am different in many ways from many other people and I’m glad about it 💓

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  10. I’m still laughing about, “I don’t have Facebook anymore, so I might never buy new clothes again.” I have an orange thermal weave shirt that I LOVE and those around me think I should never wear again because it has rips and holes. I’ve done my best to mend it (and even tried to replace it but the sleeves weren’t right). Maybe if I saw pictures of myself in it, I would change my mind.

    I love how you mine the worries of you path to create empathy for teens today. It seems like that is the best use of our past experiences and good questions. Great post, Edward!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Hey, keep wearing it if you love it. It’s all about your comfort, my friend. My wife has a jean jacket that’s over 30 years old, and she loves it. She hasn’t found a good replacement yet, so she’ll keep wearing it until she does. Yeah, I think we need to keep our teen years in mind as we raise our kids and watch their peers navigate this challenging phase.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  11. Thank very much for this post. It reminds me of my own school and teenage, minding people’s opinions, especially about what I wore. I didn’t have much, in primary school I wore my school uniform to church and incidentally I was much younger then and I thought that I was very smart because other seemed shabby to me. But secondary school is where minding started, because there were kids of all kinds of since it was a boarding school. As I went to college, I very much became my own person and it was at college that I was born-again, and that changed very much everything for me. What people thought or said about me didn’t matter, unless I was running contrary to God’s will.
    These days, I only respond to my household’s opinion on my dress or looks. My kids want a rugged look of my hoary head and beard, but my wife wants it shaven.
    Well I am free, and some folks in my village think I am kinda crazy because I don’t do things the way “rich” old people do. Being in a poor rural community and you have a few good things, you are thought to be rich and the youth expect you not to walk when you have a car or wear rugged clothes and work with your hands, which I do. So they call me mad.
    Oh, forgive me Edward for this long comment.
    Thank you very much and God bless you abundantly.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It goes to show that we all go through similar things, and it’s when we reach adulthood that our mindset begins to change and we start to focus on what truly matters, our faith, family, and helping others, just to name a few. It’s good to be free to be ourselves, and I think that’s the best way to live. Thank you for reading and for this thoughtful comment. God bless you and your family.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  12. Thank you for another candid post about your life experiences that helped to make you who you are today, Edward. Even not-so-good experiences as a youngster ended up being positive because they helped you to become a conscientious adult and an excellent parent.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  13. “A gathering of ten or fifteen kids in a house, staring at each other’s clothes all night, was terrifying.” Oh my! Doesn’t that sum up all of our teenage years?

    I worried for years what others thought. It was very freeing to reach the point where I realized it didn’t really matter. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self that. But I suppose that kind of angst in our teens and twenties is normal as we find ourselves.

    This has been a terrific series, Edward. Very thought provoking.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Michelle. Yes, I see teens going through the same things we did, and of course, we didn’t always listen to the advice we received either, so there’s something each generation needs to experience.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  14. I can relate so much to this phrase, Edward – “I only bought new clothes if I saw a photo of myself wearing the same shirt or pants for five or more years.” Husband and I are the same, we’ve been teased about wearing the same thing to the last 7 years of get-togethers. Oh well. I don’t think of myself as someone who has ever cared about what others say about me. I’ve always cared more about what I thought of me. To me, there’s nothing worse than disappointing myself by coming up short in who and where I want to be. This might make me less able to understand why people care what others think or say. I grew up with a lot of bullies, and was in lots of fights, but mostly I could ignore the avalanche of other people’s thoughtless comments. No amount of teasing about my clothes, looks, intelligence, poverty, etc… mattered, then or now…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. That’s awesome, Rose, and your point about not disappointing ourselves is a good one. As long as we’re achieving the goals we set for ourselves and taking care of our well-being, that’s really all that matters.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  15. I love your answer to this question, Edward. I think we don’t give teens enough grace about all the pressure they endure about looks, fashion, etc., etc. One of the gifts of growing older is embracing our “signature” items of clothing – those favorite shirts, shoes – whatever. Comfort becomes key. And oh my gosh. I’m with Beth…love the pic of you. Thanks for sharing! 🥰

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, Vicki. Yes, comfort is at the top of my list also, especially when buying shoes. I like that you said “grace,” and my goodness, they need a lot of it from us instead of the hate they sometimes get.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  16. that is a great picture, a snapshot in time, literally. like you, I used to care how I appeared to people or what they thought of me, and with time and age, that disappeared and I am very comfortable with exactly who I am, what I wear and what I look like.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  17. Once we break through the chains of what others might think of us, we embrace a certain level of freedom that, in a way, also allows the expression of our uniqueness, including dressing, behavior, and creativity. If a person is trapped in what others might think, for example, about his or her writing, chances are the world will be deprived of some important, inspiring, and beautiful pieces. I relate deeply with your personal experience, Edward; teenage years were struggling times for me too, and I was only able to set myself free from others’ opinions after my spiritual awakening. And still, it took me a lot of inner work. When we realize deep within that others’ opinions don’t matter that much and don’t define our life or our value, then we start to live more intentionally and in accordance with our innermost core preference. Priceless, no? Another great post and question, my friend. I am really loving this series. Thanks for sharing and helping us go further ahead. Infinite blessings and light your way, always! ✨🙏

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Susana. You’re so right about the level of freedom we gain once we break free from worrying about what others might say about us. I like what you said about writing, it’s so liberating to write about the things we care about rather than what others want us to write. It helps us grow. Social and family pressures are always there, and they will interrupt our lives if we allow them to. Our daily internal, spiritual, and emotional work must continue to strengthen our defenses. My friend, I hope you have a wonderful weekend and sending many blessings your way. 🙏🏼

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  18. So many things, good and not so good, can be said and felt about those high school years… teen age years mostly, and a bit afterwards even. They say the “terrible twos”, but I think there is also “the hesitating twenties”, all in all those beautiful but also painful years somehow, when things feel quite unsure and comparison tends to ruin things for us, I’m afraid. I wish youngsters could read such articles as this one, but well… we all know they would not pay too much attention, they would still do their thing. But still, an interesting and enjoyable post… so relatable, thank you for the read! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, Nicole. Absolutely! The transition from the teens to the twenties is just weird. Becoming an adult and trying to figure out life is definitely interesting. Most teens aren’t going to listen because, like us when we were teens, they think the previous generation was wrong. 🤦🏻‍♂️

      Like

      Reply

  19. It’s so awesome you’re taking time to look back and see how much you’ve grown. Early years can be such a hard time for most kids and trying to fit in which is tough. Having uniforms truly leveled the playing ground which is what I love about that. This brought up memories of my best friend and I saving for our new clothe for the first week of school which was so much fun. We didn’t have much money and luckily brands were never important. It’s soooo sad there is so much emphasis on that. Love your picture!
    💗

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Cindy. You mentioning the first week of school brought back some good memories. Going to school that first day with a new backpack, notebooks, and pencils was awesome. I think the brand thing is no longer important since there are so many compared to when we were growing up.

      Like

      Reply

  22. I relate very much to what you are saying about clothing. I began working part time in a pharmacy in high school to earn money to buy more stylish outfits. I ended up too focused on the material, but over time that has waned with concerted effort.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience, my friend. The little money I earned in high school I saved for our trips to the cafeteria and Pizza Hut. Some of my friends received some pretty nice allowances from their parents, so they ate at the cafeteria across from the school almost every day, while I ate the free lunches offered at school. I had a couple of friends who spent their money on the latest Nike Jordans. I’m glad those days are over and that we’re now sane adults.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

        1. Wow, I remember that Guess jeans were popular in those days. Also, in Puerto Rico, Pepe jeans were in high demand in high school and college back then. For me, it was Lee and Wranglers until I discovered Arizona jeans at J.C. Penney, which at that time were $15–$20.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

            1. Fit and comfort are all that matter now. My teen is doing well, too. He’s always questioning why we buy new clothes and supplies at the start of the school year when he’s fine with what he already has. So our teens are on the right path. 👍🏼

              Liked by 1 person

              Reply

    1. You’re very welcome. I guess, in one way or another, we’re always second-guessing ourselves, but as long as we can recover quickly and get on with our lives, everything is okay. Thank you for reading.

      Like

      Reply

  25. I
    Thanks for sharing your background Edward. I share similar teen angst, which I think is very common. But at the time, I thought it was just me, compounded by low self esteem about many other things. It’s good to have empathy for teens and everyone else.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Brad. We all go through it, but you just highlighted the key point, we thought it was just us. Having that thought every day during the teenage years is really tough, but I don’t think it’s something that can be avoided. All we can do is survive it.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  26. I can totally relate lol…it wasn’t until I started babysitting and had the money to buy my own clothes that I started feeling less insecure about what I wore…up until then I had the cheapest and ugliest clothes lol. But I’m a firm believer these types of situations do build character!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  27. An ordeal for sure, Edward, but at this distance the insecurity seems pretty normal, especially if finances were mixed in. Interesting that you joined the army, a place where uniforms eliminate the choice of what to wear and the judgement of your peers.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a reply to janetsm Cancel reply