The Questions We Don’t Ask — And Why They Matter, Part 10

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” — Leo Tolstoy

Ten years ago, I was a 42-year-old, overworked, stressed-out man and about 20 pounds over my desired weight of 165, something I felt every time I went for a run. I worked in a place where I couldn’t see the sun most days, a combination of no windows and coming and going during dark hours, early mornings and late nights. I hated the commute.

In theory, the 35-minute drive from Woodbridge, Virginia, to Fort Belvoir should have been quick, but in practice, it took an hour each way. It was a great job, but I was miserable.

That sounds terrible, so let me explain. But before I do, here’s this week’s question:

How have you changed in the last 10 years?

In 2015, I was a newly promoted Army Lieutenant Colonel working for Army Cyber Command — a dream job, really. I was part of a 24/7 operations center and my focus was on the Middle East and Southwest Asia. We monitored everything, read countless reports and assessments from experts, and wrote a few ourselves. The days were long and hectic. Keeping track of activities, providing updates, reading, writing, and constantly moving was exhausting.

I learned a lot during those three years — about my country, about that part of the world, and about myself. I’m incredibly grateful for the privilege of having worked there.

Because of the nature of the work, we didn’t have windows. Not being able to go outside and enjoy the sun and fresh air was a real downer. Vitamin D supplements were my friend, as were Jimmy Dean sandwiches, honey buns, and Cheetos — so nutritious — all eaten at my desk, and the reason for my extra 20 pounds. Of course, I consumed a lot of coffee. It was always in abundance in places like that, and since I’m a coffee lover, it felt like paradise.

The noise sometimes was out of control, people reporting and providing updates all at once was part of the routine, and my daily stress headaches usually subsided after the long drive home.

The commute was brutal. If you plug the distance from my house to my workplace into Google Maps, it says 35 minutes. A joke, really. I never made it in less than an hour. The only good thing about the drive was that it gave me time to decompress before joining my family at night.

Fort Belvoir is part of the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area, and if you’ve ever lived there, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Still, I enjoyed living in that part of the country, especially the cherry blossoms on the National Mall. Such a beautiful sight.

I also used to drive past the old Occoquan prison (Lorton Prison) many times without knowing that in 1917, during what’s known as the “Night of Terror,” women demonstrating for the right to vote were beaten, arrested, and sent there. Alice Paul, a Quaker, and Lucy Burns were among them.

Ten years have passed, and a lot has changed. I’m retired now, and thankfully, I lost most of that extra weight. I’ve cut out all the junk food I used to eat, though I still drink plenty of coffee. My stress, anxiety, and headaches are gone.

I’ve gone from chasing the clock to chasing peace, from being constantly connected to finally being present. Those are the biggest changes of all.

I traded the always-on D.C. metropolitan life for a beautiful and quiet town in the Midwest. My commute is now just a few steps, from one room to another, in my new “operations center,” my home. When I need to run errands, a 15- to 20-minute drive is all it takes.

I’m more at ease now, leaving behind my fake extroversion and returning to my introverted self. These days, I read and write in the quiet of my home, except for the occasional interruption from my dog ringing the doorbell when he wants to go outside.

Life is good now. Looking back 10 years, I can see how much has changed, all for the better, and I have no regrets. That chapter was an important milestone in my career, one I needed to reach.

But now, the peace, balance, and time I’ve gained feel like the real reward.

Tolstoy was right — changing the world begins with changing yourself. And sometimes, that change takes a decade.

Previous Questions:

Part 1: Are you as happy as you appear to be?
Part 2: What single moment in your life would you repeat?
Part 3: If you conclude that the afterlife you believe in isn’t real, how would you alter the way you live?
Part 4: How do you determine what is right and good in a moral sense? To what degree do you depend on sacred texts or clerics?
Part 5: Do you travel much? Why? Why not?
Part 6: Are you happier alone or with others?
Part 7: When did you recognize you were aging? How did you react?
Part 8: Do you expect reciprocity in most relationships?
Part 9: What does money mean to you? Why? Do you display generosity?

92 thoughts on “The Questions We Don’t Ask — And Why They Matter, Part 10”

  3. Oh my, you do ask some good questions! Have I changed in the last 10 years? Most definitely, 10 years ago I was so much more stressed, I never could say no to people and I don’t think I was as nice as I should have been. I have learned over and over the importance of family, always did but now even more so. I have learned to say no when its not the best choice for me and I have learned to be more giving, even though I spent hours volunteering over the years, its the giving to the causes that need my attention that is important to me now. Just learning to be a better person everyday.

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  4. I really love this post, Edward, and these lines: “I’ve gone from chasing the clock to chasing peace, from being constantly connected to finally being present. Those are the biggest changes of all.” This is what I look forward to when we retire, hopefully, next year. We can’t control everything around us, but we can make personal changes. I’m happy for you now that you’re in a more peaceful place. Enjoy every day, and thank you for sharing!

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    1. Thank you very much, Lauren. Retirement is a great phase because you can finally focus on your well-being and leave all those stressors behind. Hopefully, everything works out and you both can retire next year.

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  6. Most of the US does not consider work/life balance. You did what was required in our typically work as many hours as you can in a day and make as much money as you can lifestyle. I’m happy you got to retirement in one piece and can enjoy a balanced life.

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  7. I love this post! When we do the work, we can look back and see the change and that in itself is the reward! I can’t even begin to tell you how I’ve changed in the past 10 years. Sometimes, it just amazes me. Enjoy your peace and balance!

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  9. I worked in an inpatient psychiatric unit where there were no windows, and it was a horrible place. Bad for the patients and the staff. Patients used to beg for a glimpse of the outdoors. I worked in a wonderful unit where there were plenty of windows, sunlight, and fresh air, and the patients were calmer, happier, and went home sooner. I’m not sure it works when introverts pretend to be extroverts! I like my peace, quiet, and alone time.

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    1. Working in a place with no windows for long periods of time is not good for one’s well-being. Acting as an extrovert took me pretty far in my career, but it drained my energy. I always joked that there was no way I’d make a General officer, you need to be a politician and have a lot of energy. I need my peace and quiet, and they don’t have much of that.

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  10. What a beautiful reflection of ten years and the changes along with it.. first and foremost always thank you for all you’ve done and served for our country and all you put into that for all of us . Then I’m happy to hear you have been able to find again your most natural state of being and are happy and present with that.
    Oh gosh when I think of ten years back… ughhh lifetimes have filled those spaces and lessons I could write continually about for the rest of my life and never be done. The growth and changes are magnified by appreciate for the journey through it safely and with my heart still in tact. Wow I was in the throws of 5 years of mental and emotional anguish walking with my only son through a time if life you could never ever plan for or know until your in it… the amount of yourself you find in the push to live or save your child when sickness rears its head is astonishing to me. Recovery and new awareness takes a lifetime and continually evolves.
    The beauty of life now for me is , the space , the time, the sheer ability to see and feel things I never knew even existed and maybe never would have without the experiences that got me here, pain and love , peace and chaos really do live all at once but the ability to observe emotions and reactions around me rather than react to them teaches me so much more.
    Thank you for this beautiful post and the reflection it cast.

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    1. Kerri, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I read your post about your son, and my heart felt heavy as I read it. You’re absolutely right that this new awareness takes time and is always evolving. Bittersweet moments teach us a lot, as you mentioned. I truly appreciate our connection, and it’s such a blessing to read your wonderful posts every week.

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      1. Thank you as well I very much appreciate your interpretations and sharing and the connection to share our view points and collaborate emotions and inspirations along the way. It’s so much of how all things evolve and make a path from non sense or no sense to sense and understanding. At least to me 😂, if that makes sense? 😂

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  11. I’ve got no “like” button today (it happens ~ they come back eventually), so I’m putting it in these comments instead: LIKE!

    I’m so happy you’ve found the peace for which you worked so hard 👌✨

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  13. Edward….Edward! This:
    “I’ve gone from chasing the clock to chasing peace, from being constantly connected to finally being present.”
    Peace and balance. I love this essay. Cheers to you…and the good place you’re in! 😉💝😉

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    1. Yes, and I struggle to understand why someone who has experienced that “extra” once or twice continues to pursue jobs of that nature. I know many people in the Department of Defense who are over 60 and in poor health yet still chase those jobs. It’s not like we’re making millions by doing that.

      Thank you for reading, my friend.

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  16. It’s interesting how we manage to survive a crazy life, and don’t always realize how intense it was until we’re able to slow down and take inventory. I’m glad things have gotten better for you over the last 10 years. Thank you for adding the historical reference to the “Night of Terror”, and for sharing the things you’ve learned along the way, Edward. I appreciate the thoughtful effort you put into your writing.

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    1. You’re very welcome, Rose. Ever since I learned all the details about the “Night of Terror” and the women’s voting movement a few years ago, it has stayed in my mind. Whenever people don’t go out to vote, it’s the first thing that comes to mind. People died and were sent to prison for the right to vote, so we should honor them by voting in every election. Thank you for reading.

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  17. Long commutes do have their benefits for leaving work behind, but they take a toll day after day, don’t they. Inspiring to read of your positive changes over the last ten years and using some of your extra time to educate, inform, and connect with us is appreciated. Thank you, Edward.

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    1. Commutes like that are brutal, and I know people who have been doing them much longer. Three years was enough for me. I really appreciate your comment, my friend. We’re learning so much from each other, and that’s one of the reasons I love blogging.

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  18. Hi Edward, a most interesting post. I have never been totally invested in my job. I enjoy much of it and always worked hard but I always had many distractions and hobbies. Many of my female colleagues left when their kids were young as they couldn’t manage even reduced hours. I did manage and still built wonderful relationships with my kids. I think it’s because I always had solid boundaries that I would not cross. Interestingly, my seniors never pushed or tried to get me to cross my boundaries. They accepted them.

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    1. It’s good to set boundaries, and it’s good that they gave you the space. I probably should have set some myself from the beginning, but I wasn’t thinking much about that when I started. I was able to regain some control toward the end, once I reached senior management. Thank you, Robbie.

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  21. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Edward.. this is the heartbeat of what I have been feeling for a very long time.. so many voices.. so many falling into the dream of utopia’s divide.. this idea of looking to oneself.. for what one might bring… not to change the world.. but just what one needs to bring.. what one was created to bring to their own lives and of those around them… is actually part of the rough draft I am presently working on for when I get to read/ present at our local library.

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  23. “From chasing the clock to chasing peace”—that’s benevolent change. And our inner state tells us that irrefutably, no matter how great things seemed to be (from a societal point of view). I truly, deeply resonated with this line, my friend. It was my benevolent change too. One decade confirms that certain things, such as our health and peace, are priceless. Another great question for inner reflection and self-realization, Edward! And the quote? Well, gold over blue! Loved it! And so, a heartfelt thank you! Infinite blessings and light to you, today and always 🙏✨🌞

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    1. Thank you so much, Susana. I didn’t realize how out of balance I was until now. The last couple of years of focusing on peace have really helped me. It’s truly priceless. Hope you have a wonderful weekend, my friend.

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  24. This is an insightful and inspiring reflection. Your journey illustrates the profound truth in Tolstoy’s words — that meaningful change begins with self-transformation. The contrast between your past life of constant motion and your present state of peace highlights the importance of balance, self-awareness, and intentional living. It’s a thoughtful reminder that professional success is most rewarding when accompanied by personal well-being and inner fulfilment.

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  26. I also changed from a long commute, unhealthy eating, bad sleep schedule and stress (a job I loved though), to retirement, my own time and freedom, walking every day, enjoying nature, eating mostly healthy traveling, reading, writing, protesting, volunteering, whatever I want, and feel relaxed and happy.

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  27. “But now, the peace, balance, and time I’ve gained feel like the real reward.” Congratulations Edward. Sounds like so many changes. We used to live in the D.C. area too. Loved it, but I don’t miss the traffic and the constant feeling of being on the go. We all need peace and balance on a regular basis. Good for you.

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  29. Love your reflection. It’s amazing to see how much things have changed over a whole decade. Absolutely love DC and the surrounding areas. The traffic is brutal!! Please keep sharing! I’m loving your posts!

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          1. Thank you for your comment, Kimberly. I once worked as an academic advisor for students in a Special Education teacher certification program. Most were working as paras, and I was always impressed by how much they cared about the kids they worked with.

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  32. I love the reminder that “Tolstoy was right — changing the world begins with changing yourself. And sometimes, that change takes a decade and I will add and sometimes more.
    I so agree with you and I get a daily lesson around me that it ebbs and flows and just when I think I’ve got it, it changes yet again.
    ❤️

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    1. You’re so right, sometimes it takes longer; it’s a journey after all. Oh yes, I’m expecting more changes, especially once my son finishes high school and enters adulthood. It’s going to be awesome! Thank you, my friend.

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