The Questions We Don’t Ask — And Why They Matter, Part 8

According to the American Psychological Association, reciprocity is “the quality of an act, process, or relationship in which one person receives benefits from another and, in return, provides an equivalent benefit.”1

This week’s question is:

Do you expect reciprocity in most relationships?

This is definitely an interesting question posed by Dr. Stein in his post The Questions We Don’t Ask. To answer it, I’m going to focus on two types of relationships: personal ones and relationships with charities.

Most people in today’s society are obsessed with social media, and part of that obsession is getting noticed. People will do all kinds of things to increase their number of followers and rack up “likes.” Some of that is understandable because I know many people who use social media to supplement their income. But then there are some who take it to the extreme in seeking reciprocity: “I’ll take a selfie doing something crazy, then I’ll post it on my social media account, and in return I expect my followers to click ‘like’ so I can feel a sense of accomplishment.”

Sadly, many people have died over the years trying to capture that perfect shot to go viral.

Most of you probably heard about the 29-year-old mom who was killed after attempting to snap a selfie near a train in Hidalgo, Mexico.2 There’s a long list of people who have suffered injuries—and even death—while taking selfies. I even found a Wikipedia page that lists many of these selfie-related injuries and deaths, which you can access here.

Why is it that people go to such extremes to get noticed? I personally don’t understand it.

I’m really a low-key person and prefer giving to receiving. So, to answer the question, I do not expect reciprocity in most of my relationships. I just trust that if things flow naturally, strong connections will form and genuine sharing will happen on their own.  

First, let’s talk about personal relationships, and in this post, I’ll highlight the ones I’ve made here on WordPress.

Blogging over the past two years has allowed me to build a wonderful circle of friends in this community, and I interact with them weekly—it’s been such a blessing. One of them, Rebecca, I’ve met in person, and I’ve had the chance to visit her and her family on three occasions so far. That was unexpected, and at first I thought it would be impossible to meet people through blogging. But now that it has happened, I count it as a true blessing.

I also follow some bloggers who don’t follow me back, and that’s okay. I really enjoy reading their posts, and when I comment or click the “like” button, I’m not expecting any reciprocity. I’m simply enjoying their content.

I truly value the connections I’ve made on WordPress and the dialogue I have with many of you each week. I love your comments, especially when you ask me questions and we go back and forth for a while. My purpose when I started blogging after my retirement was to write about the things I know and the things I’m learning, and to engage in dialogue with people. My Search Engine Optimization (SEO), the practice of improving a website’s visibility and ranking on search engines to increase traffic, probably sucks, but that’s okay. That’s not my main reason for blogging.

The second type of relationship I want to mention is with charities. I support a number of organizations either monthly or occasionally when I can. I support them without expecting any reciprocity, in this case, in the form of tax deductions. In fact, when I receive those forms at the end of the year for filing taxes, I shred them as soon as they arrive. I really want to give freely and don’t expect anything in return. I just wish some of these organizations would stop sending me calendars, labels, totes, and other gifts. I’m not sure whether those items cost them much, but if they do, I’d rather see that money reinvested in supporting the people under their care.

I want to conclude by saying that I’m not opposed to reciprocity; in some cases, it’s even necessary. But for me, it’s not a key factor in my relationships. I’m more interested in meaningful connections and conversations—whether over a virtual cup of coffee or, if the stars align, a real one.

Too many lives have been lost chasing reciprocity—that is, trying to get recognition or reward from others—for the wrong reasons. Let’s look inward and assess our true motives. Genuine motives will give you more than you expect, while the wrong ones will only bring headaches, and, in extreme cases, even death.

  1. https://dictionary.apa.org/reciprocity ↩︎
  2. https://katu.com/news/nation-world/dulce-alondra-29-year-old-mother-killed-while-attempting-selfie-near-oncoming-train-dead-at-scene-cincinnati-cpkc-final-spike-steam-tour-trains-canada-mexico-city-route-hidalgo-tragic-tragedy-vintage-vehicle-onlookers-fatal-fatality-morbid ↩︎

Previous Questions:

Part 1: Are you as happy as you appear to be?
Part 2: What single moment in your life would you repeat?
Part 3: If you conclude that the afterlife you believe in isn’t real, how would you alter the way you live?
Part 4: How do you determine what is right and good in a moral sense? To what degree do you depend on sacred texts or clerics?
Part 5: Do you travel much? Why? Why not?
Part 6: Are you happier alone or with others?
Part 7: When did you recognize you were aging? How did you react?

88 thoughts on “The Questions We Don’t Ask — And Why They Matter, Part 8”

  1. I stopped giving to some charities because of the constant phone calls, letters, and gifts received in the mail with letters expecting me to donate money for items I did not ask for or desire. I agree with you – I want the money to go to the people it was intended to help. As a writer, I’m grateful when people read and review my book. I try to reciprocate by doing something for them, usually by promoting their book or blog. As an independent, self-published writer who supports other independent writers, I expect a certain amount of reciprocity if I promote somebody else’s work. That’s how the writing community works. Some people don’t agree, so I tend to bypass them and move on to writers who do agree. In human relationships, there has to be a certain amount of give and take. Otherwise, the relationship dies. Narcissists will do a lot of things for attention and give very little in return. That’s why their lives are so empty.

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    1. Yes, some charities are out of control. I get mail from organizations I didn’t even know existed, a lot of wasted money. Support among authors is a wonderful thing. I’m not an author, but I like to support their projects when they pique my interest. I agree 100% about narcissists; they live really sorry lives.

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  4. Your answer that is so well written resonates with me, Edward. The story of the woman who was killed by the train is beyond sad. I think of those who climb over railings even though signs are posted then fall to their death. I’ve been blogging for 15 years now, and like you mentioned, it’s a way to meet many wonderful people all over the globe. But I don’t care about the number of followers. It’s the interaction that I enjoy. I found myself nodding in agreement as I read this great post.

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  5. I agree … Real relationships aren’t about keeping score. Jesus showed us that true love gives without expecting in return. When we give freely, whether to people or charities, we reflect His heart. 🙏 That’s how we should see every relationship.

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  6. Thanks for the shout out, Edward! So fun to get to know your family when you’ve visited Madison. I tend to give as the spirit moves me without expecting reciprocity. Yet, I’ve found that it is still important for me to make sure there is some balance so I am not in a one sided relationship.

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  7. You’ve hit upon an important topic for all bloggers. I’ve been at it a long time and there are a lot of reasons why bloggers come and go which you can never take personally. For writers it’s a way of honing one’s craft and that’s the way I look at it. I’ve seen too many bloggers come and go.

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    1. Never taking it personally is such a great point, JT. In my short time as a blogger, I’ve seen how people react negatively when they lose followers. I’m with you, we shouldn’t take it personally.

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  8. This is an excellent series you are writing, gets everyone thinking and starting conversations. I have always been involved with charities and teaching my children how important it is as well when they were growing up.

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    1. Thank you, Melissa. Great point about teaching children. I’m a firm believer that schools, probably at the high school level, should have a required course on personal finance and budgeting. Including lessons about the value of helping others, especially through charities, in that course would be wonderful.

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  9. That is an interesting question, Edward, and as always, I appreciate your thoughtful response.
    I think reciprocity is good for personal relationships to grow, to have a balance of love and respect. Especially if we’re striving to be equals, teammates, partners, friends…
    As you point out, the social media obsession with getting likes for outrageous behavior is not healthy reciprocity.
    I agree with much of what you say, about blogging (getting likes and follows is not my reason to blog. Blogging helps me find my voice. I hoped to find lots of goodness through this experience, and I feel so fortunate to have met such good people). And Charities, yes, please just use all that money for the causes we sent the money to help. I expect no reciprocity when giving/donating/volunteering….

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    1. Thank you, Rose. I think about blogging the same way you do. It’s an incredible place to find our voices and refine our way of thinking.

      As for personal relationships, yes, especially when you’re able to find a compatible person. I don’t mean someone similar to us, but someone who is open to having a respectful relationship and a healthy exchange of ideas.

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  10. You do a great job of unpacking this question, as always, Edward. I love your approach, “I just trust that if things flow naturally, strong connections will form and genuine sharing will happen on their own. “

    I think you are touching on something critical for this question. Is there some faith involved in our relationships? Speaking for myself, when I’m in a state of flow, faith and peace, I worry a lot less about reciprocity.

    Great post and answer!

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  11. I am enjoying this series of questions/essays. Thank you for sharing, Edward. I appreciate your responses and the chance to reflect on these thought-provoking questions myself.

    Two sentences that stood out to me:

    “I just trust that if things flow naturally, strong connections will form and genuine sharing will happen on their own.” A healthy mindset. ✨ 

    “I just wish some of these organizations would stop sending me calendars, labels, totes, and other gifts.” I feel the same.

    Sad about the 29-year-old mom. I don’t follow these things, so news to me. I don’t understand that behavior either.

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    1. Thank you so much, Michele. I’m glad to hear that. These questions are stimulating, and it’s good to spend time thinking about them and seeing where we stand.

      I actually saw the video of the incident involving the 29-year-old mom (not the actual impact, since that was cut off, thank goodness), and it was such a tragic loss. The crowd at that place was huge; I guess a lot of people were trying to take photos and selfies. An unnecessary tragedy.

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  12. This is interesting to think about, Edward. I guess it depends on why we want to connect with someone or a group.

    BTW: On PBS’ WTTW, October 27-28, at 8pm on American Experience, Kissinger. I thought you’d be interested in seeing this biography.

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  14. What a great post again, I got off all So I’ll media awhile back I think it’s been almost a year now.. I just decided one day after posting my poetry and book things all the time, then a painting and all the creative things I do and wondered one day if it ever really touched anyone personally not just with a click but maybe a tear or a smile, how would I ever know? I wondered why would I post a photo of myself and tell people what I’m doing ? All the sudden none of it made sense.. so I posted a note saying I was leaving SM and anyone that knew me knew how to reach me and I’ve had this blog for over 10 years now , I’m not hard to find if someone really wants to connect… so I decided to leave it all and I sent a personal message to every friend and let them know my phone and conversation, NOT text but dates to talk, meet for coffee, FaceTime etc was open but no more text relationships and SM likes, loves and wonders were serving my journey forward.

    It’s changed my life and I added to my message to everyone, I will not be answering immediately unless I can or feel I have the best energy to share, please know love is not hinged on the timing of messages and the anxiety to answer immediately … and I want anyone else to know that goes both ways, write when u feel it and not when u feel u have to.. no more of the rush and need but instead the flow and response as it’s there and not forced.

    I love how it’s turned out.

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    1. This is so good, Kerri. I left Facebook for the same reason, but you did better than I did by leaving a message. I just deleted all the photos and the account without telling anyone, I only told my wife. You know how many people noticed? Zero. I also stopped watching the news, and I switched to reading The Economist and The Wall Street Journal on the weekends, both in paper form to avoid distractions. My anxiety and stress levels are now extremely low. I like what you said at the end about writing when you feel it. I think that’s the best way.

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      1. I always felt an anxiety to answer everyone right away.. I don’t even carry my phone most of the time and it’s ALWAYS on silent.. I choose when and if I want to talk or answer.. if it’s an emergency everyone knows my husband’s number 😂..

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  15. To step outside of the social media universe and look at timeless philosophies, as expressed by people like Gandhi, Thich Nhat Hahn, and Marcus Aurelius and the Stoics, it seems like there’s some consensus that expectation of reciprocity is one of the key obstacles to happiness. If you do the right thing because it is the right thing, expecting nothing in return, you will always do your duty and never be disappointed. If good returns come, that’s nice, but it’s not really relevant. The more I go on here, the more I think it’s more directly from the Stoics, but those other guys I mentioned seem to implicity agree 🙂 — the trick is to specifically remove rewards (or reciprocity) from the picture and stay true to your moral purpose.

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    1. You’re spot on, and I was actually reading about that this week in the book The Art of Living (The Philosophy of Epictetus). I’m fascinated by the Stoics and am focusing on learning everything I can about their philosophy.

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  16. Edward, great post. I’ve scaled back a lot in SM, but on WP, if someone likes one of my posts, I’ll try to check them out, too…partly as a courtesy, partly out of interest. But it’s so hard to keep up and I just hope people understand if I miss one or two of their posts when they’ve liked mine.

    I had a different take on relational reciprocity. SNL used to have this really funny skit “Lowered Expectations” with a little jingle. Basic premise was people expect filet mignon and get 50% lean ground chuck 😂 That’s my approach to friends and relatives… I try to keep in touch, be supportive, etc, with the hope (vs expectation) that they’ll reciprocate. If they do, great! If not (cue SNL “LE” theme). If they do it repeatedly, I’ll try to find out if they’re going through a hard time, etc… and if not, if it’s just out of thoughtlessness/indifference, it’s time to reconsider things.

    With charities, I’m with you… don’t let the right hand know what the left is doing 😎

    Have a great weekend! 🙂

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    1. A good one with the SNL skit, and I see your point. I guess at the end of the day, it all depends on the circumstances. With blogs, I just check in on each of the people I follow at least once a week and read their latest posts.

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  17. Hi Edward, I am very much the same as you with both blogging and charities. Admittedly I have come unstuck a few times with people taking advantage of mr, but I believe this behaviour is driven by desperation. My mother doesn’t understand my views on life at all. My grandfather was a minister of the Church of England and she thinks I inherited to many of his genes. She doesn’t understand my love of animals either.

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    1. I hear you. I have family members who don’t understand the way I am either. There’s not much we can do except offer our love to them. Desperation can push people to do unimaginable things. Some of them come to realize their mistakes, and sometimes they apologize for the hurt they’ve caused.

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  19. Such a lovely reflection on connection, Edward. I like your openness to variety in relationships/connections. I’m with you – I’m okay with surface-level acquaintance-like interactions but I often crave depth. The kind of connecting which occurs through sharing and engaging…and you know how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness on topics of all sorts. Depth matters, for the reasons you mentioned. The desire to both give and receive as opposed to chasing a spotlight – receiving only. Many thanks, dear friend and happy Friday to you! 😉💝😉

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    1. Happy Friday, my friend, and thank you for your comment. It’s so hard to find that kind of relationship, maybe because we’re living in a fast-paced society where finding time to sit down and just talk about deep things over a cup of coffee is so difficult. I find blogging to be a good supplement for that.

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  20. Very well said, Edward. The social media chase is something that just escapes me– maybe I’m too old to ‘get it’– and strikes me as unhealthy at best.

    Regarding blogging, I feel like one can tell when it’s genuine or there’s a facade. You are one where authenticity definitely comes across, and that’s a great credit to you.

    –Scott

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    1. Thank you, Scott, for your kind words. There’s plenty of research supporting your view that social media is unhealthy, but it’s so powerful that I don’t think it’s going to change any time soon. It would probably take something catastrophic for people to change their minds. Just my opinion after seeing what happened with TikTok and how quickly the government caved in. The addiction is real.

      I also appreciate your comment about my interactions with other bloggers. There’s so much talent and good content, like what you guys have in The Hometown Herald, that it motivates readers to engage and take part in discussions.

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      1. You’re no doubt correct about that. My hope that people might engage in some self-reflection and awareness about how they use it is pretty well dashed by your TikTok example, which is a very good point.

        I appreciate the kind words. One of the surprising things about blogging, at least for me, is realizing that despite the internet often being a cesspool of sociopathic and cruel behavior, this community largely isn’t. It’s rare that I come across someone here who, despite differences of opinion (and surely plenty of other things), I wouldn’t expect to be polite, thoughtful, friendly, and civil in person. Honestly, it caught me off guard (what can I say, I’m cynical), and you, and your writings/interaction, as much as anyone, exemplify that pleasant surprise.

        Here’s to a good weekend, Edward!

        –Scott

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  21. True friendship is what people seek. They admit in most social media sites through their expression of “look what I did”, “hey, pay attention to me”, to “why don’t you ‘like’ my post?”

    These are all expressions of I need human attention yet stuck in the agony of distrust and reservation.

    I believe, regardless of POV or topic, a simple like acknowledged the fact that this person has reached out, in their own way, to connect with others for whatever reason. Reason enough for me to acknowledge it.

    Thank you so much for the intellectual exercise. It was fun!

    ~ Kimberly

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    1. Thank you very much for your comment, Kimberly. You made a great point about acknowledging when other people reach out to us in the blogosphere. I try to read, comment, or at least like posts from the people I’m following. If I’m following someone, it’s because their content is interesting to me, and I want to make sure they know that I value their work. As I mentioned in my post, I follow people and read their content even if they’re not following me, and I think that’s okay in my view.

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  22. Thank you for this candid, well-written, and thoughtful post, Edward. Although I don’t like to think I “expect” reciprocity, in some ways I do like it a bit in terms of interactions with blog posts. What I mean is, if I faithfully follow someone and read and/or comment on their posts, I do appreciate it when they return that gesture. I don’t feel the same about other social media. I think there’s just more honesty in the blogosphere and so a deeper connection happens with our followers and with those we follow. Maybe that’s because our connection here is often based on similar interests, whereas on other forms of social media, that’s not necessarily so. 🤷‍♀️

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    1. You’re welcome, Terry, and you’re absolutely right about the blogosphere. I used to have Facebook, but the interactions there felt flat, even with family members. Bloggers are different, we like to interact with others often, probably because of similar interests, as you said. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

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  23. I think it’s human to expect some reciprocity, yet I also think we need to be very selective about our expectations and detached from the connections that are not healthy for us. You said well in your last paragraph: “Let’s look inward and assess our true motives. Genuine motives will give you more than you expect, while the wrong ones will only bring headaches, and, in extreme cases, even death.” Dependency on reciprocity may turn into a prison or even become fatal. A lot to consider here, Edward!! And I am grateful for the profound reflection you offered here. With appreciation, sending you light and blessings, my friend 🙏✨

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    1. You’re absolutely right about our human tendencies, and especially about detaching ourselves from unhealthy connections. It’s dangerous to keep those kinds of connections. I think reciprocity occurs naturally when there’s genuine chemistry between people. Thank you for your great perspective, my friend. Blessings, and have a wonderful weekend.

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  24. I love that you and Rebecca have met in person 3 times, Edward. What a wonderful example of a surprise that flowed into a friendship as a result of blogging.
    Wow, that’s scary people have died just to get a selfie.
    I love blogging and my followers and I want to comment on everyone but it’s tough to do all of the time. I do like to reciprocate because I value the relationship but there are only so many hours in a day. I also like meeting new people. I never used to understand when people would out right say, “I am not accepting new followers”, I can understand because it’s hard to keep up.
    💕

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    1. I totally understand your point about reciprocity, my friend. I think when connections are genuine, the interaction falls into place naturally. I haven’t seen the “I am not accepting new followers” message yet, but I did see a blogger tell her followers that she would only read their posts if they met her criteria. I unfollowed her after reading that post. We’re all busy and time is limited. It’s hard to comment on every post, I do my best, but it’s difficult, so I use the “like” as a way to let the blogger know that at least I read their posts.

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  26. This is such a refreshing perspective. I really appreciate how you distinguish between genuine connection and the kind of reciprocity people often chase for validation, especially on social media. Your point about not expecting anything in return, whether in friendships or in supporting charities, really stood out to me. It feels so freeing to give and connect without keeping score. I also love that you’ve built meaningful friendships through blogging—that shows how authentic connections can grow naturally when the focus is on conversation rather than recognition. Thank you for sharing this—it’s a great reminder to check our motives and value sincerity over attention.

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    2. I wonder if you have thought of reciprocity in terms of money or making contact. These two domains seem to evoke the most resentments, at least to the extent they are raised in therapy.

      Some people report being contacted only when the other individual needs or wants something, including a favor. Then, the one who benefited disappears. Thanks, Edward.

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      1. To be honest, I haven’t, well, not until now, because your question got me thinking. For some reason, probably because of my experience growing up in a somewhat toxic environment where I saw that play out in a detrimental way, I developed this mentality where I don’t get attached to those situations. Over the decades, I’ve learned to give money to family and friends without expecting anything in return. I guess because I’m not an emotional person who dwells on or looks to engage in personal dramas, people don’t reach out to me too often. I’ve never experienced a family member or friend coming back repeatedly to ask for money. I guess that’s a blessing. Thank you for asking that question, Dr. Stein. I hope my answer was okay.

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  29. I appreciate your values and willingness to give without expectations Edward. I do that with blogging and non- profits, but tend to have expectations with friends and family, which often leads to disappointment. I wish could give freely and trust as you do.

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    1. Thank you, Brad. It has taken me some time to learn how to manage expectations with friends and family. I think part of the problem is that we sometimes make things too complicated. I keep things simple: I reach out to them at least once a year, to my mom every week, and they know that I’m available anytime if they want to talk or meet. Sometimes the environment is toxic, so keeping some distance is essential for our well-being.

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  30. A very thought-provoking post. It, too, would much rather be on the giving end than the receiving end. What tends to happen, though, is that I reap unanticipated and unexpected benefits, mainly in the area of inspiration for new poems and stories. When I first started on WordPress, I had no idea how much my writing and reading horizons would become!

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    1. Great point, Liz. There’s definitely a benefit to reading other people’s posts and the interaction that keeps us motivated to create more content. Growing together as a community is such a great reward, for sure. Thank you.

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  31. Interesting answer to an intriguing question, Edward. I think we’re in the same page with respect to not necessarily expecting reciprocity in friendship, and certainly not in blog hits! And I also agree about the unwanted swag that charities send out, using money that should go to their cause. I’ve spoken to more than one charity about that, finally saying that if they couldn’t at least take me off their send list I would reluctantly not be donating anymore. But wrt your tax receipts, you’re not taking money away from your charities in using them when you file. If it bothers you, figure out what you save from your tax and donate that tax refund amount to charity! 😊

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    1. Thank you, Jane. Yeah, I reached out a few times to some of the organizations, and it seems that they’re just doing it automatically without thinking or giving people the option to opt out. So much money wasted, but I guess some people need an incentive to keep donating. The tax thing is more philosophical than anything else, but I guess I can follow your advice and donate whatever tax refund comes from my charitable contributions.

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  32. SEO is an alluring mistress. Lots of promise, but nothing there. I’m with you Edward. You’ve got your priorities in the right place. Some may disagree with me …. but I’ve always felt connection with the reader is what brings long term views and gets readers coming back for more. At least my viewpoint. 😎

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