The Questions We Don’t Ask – And Why They Matter, Part 6

In her book Quiet, Susan Cain wrote the following in the introduction:

“Extroverts are the people who will add life to your dinner party and laugh generously at your jokes. They tend to be assertive, dominant, and in great need of company. Extroverts think out loud and on their feet; they prefer talking to listening, rarely find themselves at a loss for words, and occasionally blurt out things they never meant to say. They’re comfortable with conflict, but not with solitude.

Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.” (p. 11)

Today’s question is:

Are you happier alone or with others?

Well, both—with a caveat. I’m an introvert, and after reading Susan Cain’s quote, you’ll understand why, but I’ll explain.

After pretending to be an extrovert for over 26 years in the military—because you need extroverted traits to survive there—and sacrificing what I needed as an introvert just to get through the day, I’ve found that now, as a retiree, the many hours I spend alone are helping me recover what was once lost.

For over 26 years, I spent most of my 10–12 hour days in field exercises, travel, meetings, briefings, phone calls, talking to soldiers, solving problems—not to mention deployments where I worked 20+ hour days, seven days a week. On top of that, I had a family, so I needed to keep some energy in the tank for my wife and son.

People who talk about work/life balance as if it’s something you can just snap into place don’t really know what they’re talking about. When you’re young and starting out, it’s all work, and you just try to save a little energy for family, hobbies, and so on. It’s not until you reach the senior levels of your profession that you start getting into that work/life balance cycle—because only then do you have some say in what happens in your daily life (to a point, of course).

I managed to survive all of that by finding small moments of respite during weekends—and those precious minutes spent in the bathroom reading a book. I know some of you know exactly what I’m talking about.

All of that changed with retirement. The more time I spend in solitude during the day, the happier I am. I’m really enjoying my unstructured time—hours of reading and writing, doing a chore here and there, and then returning to my quiet corner with a book or newspaper. Then, in the afternoons, when my son returns from school and my wife from work, another kind of happiness kicks in because I love them and enjoy being around them. I’m still a work in progress—sometimes my reading time spills over when they’re home—but I’m working on that.

Going back to the question: I’m happiest when I’m alone, re-energizing my emotional tank by reading a book or engaging in deep thinking. But I’m also happiest when I’m with the people I love—my family. And yes, I enjoy connecting with friends, whether online or face-to-face. But know this: I hate small talk, so let’s get into some deep discussions, please. If not, I’ll follow the Manifesto for Introverts, which says:

“It’s OK to cross the street to avoid making small talk.”

And nowadays, that can be taken literally—or digitally.

Don’t worry, I won’t actually dodge you—I do enjoy a good chat, just skip the weather updates. 🙂 

Previous Questions:

Part 1: Are you as happy as you appear to be?
Part 2: What single moment in your life would you repeat?
Part 3: If you conclude that the afterlife you believe in isn’t real, how would you alter the way you live?
Part 4: How do you determine what is right and good in a moral sense? To what degree do you depend on sacred texts or clerics?
Part 5: Do you travel much? Why? Why not?

71 thoughts on “The Questions We Don’t Ask – And Why They Matter, Part 6”

  2. I’ve always been an introvert and prefer it that way. I listen rather than talk because that’s how I get to know about other people. That’s how I survived working in mental health for 15 years – by listening and respecting others.

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    1. I’m the same, a listener, for the same reason. I really want to pay attention to what the other person is saying. That’s a great way to get to know someone, and it also helps you learn how to adjust your communication style to connect with the other person.

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  4. You’ve reminded me of an action-oriented client that I had some years ago (The Principal of a Leadership Program) who was floored by my protest,
    ‘You’ve basically yelled ‘Fire!’ three times now, Steven. Trouble is, you haven’t pointed out the target yet’.
    Introverts are not always tactful, and sometimes this can help.

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  5. Your comments about, “pretending to be an extrovert,” and “helping me recover what was once lost” resonate with my teaching experience and the last few years, having left the classroom. It does take time to find one’s equilibrium after surviving in a state and environment that tests introverts. This may make you laugh… I’m still recovering after a long fundraiser event Friday night. Plenty of small talk and a large loud crowd. A successful evening but a lot for me. 😆

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    1. Oh, my friend, I totally get it. After an event like that, I would probably need a full week to recover. To many, it seems like an easy transition to go from an extroverted world to a quiet one, but like you said, it takes some time to find equilibrium. I’m definitely taking my time before deciding what to do in my next phase of life.

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  6. I’ve kinda come full circle. As a kid, I was perfectly content to spend hours on my own, exploring, setting traps and taming animals, reading. Then 35+ years in the Corporate world made me an extrovert bc of the constant interactions and demands. Now I’m retired and enjoy doing my own thing again although I do have a handful of good friends that I meet with now and then for coffee. Best of both worlds 😎

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    1. Absolutely! It’s interesting to hear people say that it’s best to be yourself in the workplace, but the reality is that in most cases it’s necessary to adjust our personalities in order to be successful. Unless, of course, you’re the boss and super rich, then I guess you can be your true self.

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  7. I understand your response exactly, Edward. I can turn on the extrovert when I need to, but am basically introverted. I believe creative people need quiet time to process what we see, hear, read, etc. Happy weekend to you.

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  8. It suddenly occurred to me that you are around 53 or so (I could be wrong, but I seem to think that’s what you’ve written previously) which seems very young to retire. Is that usual in the military? I am also an introvert. I can be the life and soul of a party but socialising makes me very tired.

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    1. Very close, I’m 52. The military is a fast and demanding life, so we have the benefit of retiring after 20 years of service. I started young and almost served 30 years. We don’t have a typical workday, especially when we deploy overseas, so after 20 years we start to slow down. Some people return to work because they have too much debt or got used to the lifestyle. I’m frugal and don’t need much to live, so I enjoy my free time. Of course, that might change later on, since I’m still young and could probably work another 15 years, but I’m content where I’m at.

      I hear you, after socializing, I also get super tired and usually need a couple of days to recover.

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  9. I’ve read Susan Cain’s book; she does a wonderful job describing introverts. Like you, I’ve spent many years trying to be an extrovert in my careers and jobs. Now I’m to the point where it’s too exhausting. I love being alone, and fortunately, I’m married to introvert, so we understand each other’s need for space. I’m also happy with others who are kind and thoughtful. I enjoy deep discussions and debates, as long as things end well. I won’t force my opinion on others, and I despise it when they force their opinions on me. The ‘happier alone or with others’ question becomes more about the right balance and situation, as you summed up so well in your post, Edward.

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    1. Thank you, Rose. You’re definitely fortunate that your other half is an introvert. Mine is an extrovert who can give some of her energy to power up our neighborhood and still have plenty left in her tank. 😆 I’m okay with it though, because she gets me out of my comfort zone, which is necessary once in a while. We make a good team and complement each other.

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  10. As an INFP, I definitely can relate to the introvert needs. At the same time, I feel I need extroverts around me sometimes to keep my motivated and engaged or I get so bored with my own company I can be a complete ahole. I literally borrow energy from them….in small doses, of course. Thanks for the post! ; )

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  11. Great post and always love your introspection and it’s so lovely you have time to find out your true inner preferences through retirement! I’m soooo an ambivert and leaning more on the introvert side of life as a general rule. While I love to get out and kick up my heels, home, jammies and family call me more any day! 😂❤️🏠

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    1. Absolutely! I think retirement gave me that opportunity, and I’m on the fast track to recovering my true self. It’s really stressful and exhausting to keep changing personalities to satisfy a particular leadership style. Now I understand why so many senior leaders I know are going through medical issues or have died because they served past their limit. Operating in that mode for 35 or 40 years, as some of them did, is definitely not good healthwise. Thank you, Brian.

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  13. That was a brilliant definition of introversion ~ and you and I are totally alike in these ways…

    Edward, my friend, I am in such a beautiful place right now! And you helped get me here! Thank you, my friend!

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  14. Hi Edward 👋☺️

    This article redefines introvertedness in a meaningful way.

    Introvertedness is not a synonym for being standoffish, quiet, or selfish. It’s more about depth, reflection, and processing—and it transcends into how they live their lives.

    There’s so much to appreciate in understanding them, including the sacrifices it takes to work, be with loved ones, and embrace solitude in order to recharge for those very reasons.

    Thank you 😊

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    1. You’re so welcome, Hannah. I’m glad it resonated with you. There are a lot of misunderstandings about introversion, but you highlighted the important aspects: depth, reflection, and processing. Thank you, and have a wonderful weekend.

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  15. A wonderful post, Edward! Resonating deeply with your words, since I am also an introvert. And so, I am definitely happier by myself. It’s been like this since I remember myself, though I recognize the importance of quality time (preferably short) with loved ones. Loved how you entangled Dr. Stein’s question with Susan Cain’s quote. A lot to reflect on here. Thank you, my friend, for this precious share! Truly enjoyed! Much light and many blessings your way, always! 🙏✨💎

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  18. My entire 40+ year working career as a floor nurse, then a nurse manager and educator demanded that I be an extrovert. I was ok with that hat. Since retirement, Ive come to appreciate solitude. My favorite times are when I’m out for a walk and it’s only me, my playlists of fave tunes, and nature. Thanks for this great read, and your candid thoughts, Edward.

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  19. This is fascinating, Edward. Your sentence, “I’ve found that now, as a retiree, the many hours I spend alone are helping me recover what was once lost.” is so poignant!

    I love people so I have assumed for all these years that I’m an extrovert but I’m really much more of an introvert. I need time alone to recharge and I couldn’t agree with you more that family is a blessing regardless of our inclinations!

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    1. Thank you, Wynne. It’s amazing how slowing down and spending some alone time helps our well-being. I used to be in high gear all the time and completely stressed out. Now all of that is gone, and I have more time to think about what I really want to do.

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  23. I loved this, Edward – your observation about the need to retreat…even for a few minutes:
    …”returning to my quiet corner…”
    As much as I love being with others, I’ve come to know myself well. I need the quiet…my own quiet corner or nook, even if only for a few minutes, to create a buffer between activities, engaging with others. When I don’t have that, I can survive, but the recovery time lengthens. 😉💕😉

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    1. I think you’re right, Jane. In most cases, being an introvert helped during the period of isolation we went through during COVID. I’ve read about people whose marriages were destroyed because their families were under the same roof for such a long time, something they weren’t used to. As for me, all I need is a stack of books and some coffee, and everything will be okay.

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  25. for the first time, when I heard the author talk about this book on npr when in was in my 40s, I understood that I was an introvert with a few extroverted qualities. I do love people, but just for short stints and really only in real conversations or with people I know pretty well, then I’m off to recharge in my quiet space. I’ve become a. master of the Irish goodbye. showing up, being seen, and quietly exiting

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  27. What a powerful and heartfelt reflection! 🌟 Your story beautifully weaves Susan Cain’s insights with your own lived experience, offering such an honest look at what it means to honor one’s introverted nature after years of adapting to an extrovert-driven environment. The way you describe those small, quiet moments of respite—weekends, even stolen minutes with a book—shows how vital solitude can be for balance and recovery. Your journey is an inspiring reminder that knowing yourself, and giving yourself permission to recharge, is not indulgence but strength.

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    1. Thank you so much. Yes, solitude, for some of us, is extremely important for finding balance and recovering from daily demands. Self-care is essential to having the energy to care for others.

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  28. I really appreciate how you explained the balance between solitude and connection. It’s powerful to see how, after years of living in an environment that demanded extroverted energy, you’ve embraced your introverted nature and found peace in quiet moments. I like how you framed happiness as not choosing one over the other, but knowing when you need to recharge alone and when you want to share time with loved ones. That feels like a lesson many of us could apply in our own lives.👍

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