The Questions We Don’t Ask—And Why They Matter, Part 2

Today, I’m tackling the second question from the many suggested by Dr. Gerald Stein in his post titled “The Questions We Don’t Ask.”

I knew the answer right away as soon as I read it. But then I thought, “What is the relationship between this question and the content of his post?”

His post, as I understood it, is about the universal human tendency to hide parts of ourselves — from both others and even from ourselves — which keeps us from fully understanding one another and prevents our relationships from achieving complete emotional closeness.

With that said, here is today’s question:

What single moment in your life would you repeat?

After doing some reading and researching to find the relationship, I found that the question is not about changing the past or doing it differently; it’s really about experiencing it again because it brought you joy, meaning, connection, or pride.

Then the word connection did the trick for me. Did I share that single moment, and what I felt, with the person who made that moment so remarkable?

So here is my answer to that question: 

The single moment in my life that I would repeat is witnessing the birth of my son. The moment the doctor held him up and I was able to see him behind the solid blue drape is unforgettable. The realization that I was a father, and the joy it brought to my life, which continues to this day, is amazing.

I’m sure my wife has a different recollection. It was a difficult labor, full of pain, and it ended with a C-section. But all of that was momentarily forgotten as soon as she saw him — our bundle of joy.

I’ve shared how much this moment meant to me with my son many times, and every day I tell him that I love him very much and hug him at least once a day. I will keep telling him how much he means to me for the rest of my life because I want him to always feel that connection and deep love.

A deep love and connection that I never had with my father, because I never knew him. Of course, the question that came to mind this week as I was thinking about this was, “What was the single moment in my father’s life that he would repeat? Was it when I was born?” Maybe he was happy, but I really don’t know. I was never part of my father’s life, so I never had the chance to ask him. My guess is that my birth is probably not a moment he would like to repeat. It can’t be. After all, there is a great gap between the connection I feel with my son and what I feel for my father — which is nothing, except for sharing a last name.

Being a father is incredible, and it brings me joy every day. Most of the time, I wonder why a man decides to have children only to abandon them when things get tough or falls in love with someone else. Some men don’t even bother to cultivate a relationship or build a connection. I get it — we are imperfect humans, and there are probably many reasons to get divorced and all that — but cutting all ties with your children? That I don’t understand. Maybe selfishness is what drives such men.

Well, I’m not completely sure what drove my father to do the things he did, but I’m glad I got my commitment genes from my mom’s side of the family. I’m sure that my birth was my mom’s single moment in her life that she would repeat.

Regardless of what my father felt — or didn’t feel — for me, that exact second when I saw my son for the first time is the moment I would repeat without a doubt.

Previous Questions:
The Questions We Don’t Ask—And Why They Matter: Are you as happy as you appear to be?

75 thoughts on “The Questions We Don’t Ask—And Why They Matter, Part 2”

  2. at this point in my life, I definitely agree with you. maybe it’s the way things end but when you think about the whole opportunity to go back in time, it’s because of that feeling of wanting to experience the beauty of that moment. I think calling it nostalgia doesn’t fit because those said moments are too big, too precious. when I look back, there are definitely a lot of things I would love to experience again for the first time. Mike

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  4. Hi Edward – this was an interesting post – and I am new to your blog so it let me get a feel for who you are – and wow – you sound like a devoted husband and father. Also, regarding your dad – I am not sure what year you were born – but I know for a long time, dads were not invited into the birthing room (so glad that has changed) and I wonder if that had to do with their attachment or lack of attachment with the kids. But we really do not know why some parents “drop the ball” – there are always so many factors at play!

    And for me, a moment I would live over, was marrying my husband. and holding my sons for the first time. Good question

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      1. well another thing I have learned -or observed from a few folks we know – is that sometimes the dad has left because the mom was unbearable as a partner – and sometimes the avoidance of that interaction leads to a path of being away more than expected. Not to say this was the case with your parents – but I have seen it. Also, sometimes the spouse that leaves and becomes so detached has had their own personal struggles, poor coping, and the passiveness and leaving unfolds without their choice. But I know one case in particular where the dad kept trying to make it work with the mother and she had such a rigid side – he left licking his wounds and life unfurled from there. We don’t really know the myriad of factors – and not sure if you ever watched the show called “Monk” but his character’s back story is that the dad left the family when two boys were in grade school – went for chinese food and never came back. pretty sad

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        1. Thank you for the additional information. There are many reasons, like you said, but at the end of the day, the father needs to figure out how to make it happen. There are multiple ways to do it, they just need to care enough and keep trying. I know several fathers who reconciled with their children once they were adults. They kept trying and never gave up, and that counts a lot.

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  6. First, thank you for citing my post and, even more, for using it and taking the thoughts further. I can relate to the birth of my first born. Indescribable and moving like nothing else. If I could take the question further, I might make different categories. I can think of my most thrilling moment (in a softball league I played in) and the most important thing I ever did (which was to confront someone in order to save a life). But, as to the most joyous event, surely I would agree with you, Edward.

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    1. You’re so welcome, Dr. Stein. Your blog is excellent, and every time I read one of your posts, my mind stays in motion thinking about what you wrote for days. This particular one will give me plenty to chew on for months.

      You’re absolutely right, and this question can branch out to cover other memorable moments, such as the ones you mentioned. Some of the comments noted the birth of grandkids, hiking, and the recovery of a spouse.

      Thank you for sharing your moments, and I’m really looking forward to enjoying more of your posts.

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  9. Proof indeed that things that go wrong in one generation do not need to be repeated. You made a very positive life out of your experience. My husband watched my planned caesareans so we both saw the babies at the same moment.

    I can’t imagine coping as a single parent, I was lucky and also blessed that my son and son-in-law are great fathers. Seeing them makes you feel for those who have not had that relationship. After much discussion my younger son and daughter-in-law decided they definitely they did not want children and it’s good they considered it properly and are both happy with the decision. I can understand, though I’m glad my husband did want children!

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    1. What a great experience for you and your husband to see the babies at the same time, priceless. It’s also incredible and such a blessing that you are witnessing the family dynamics as your children make important life decisions. Thank you for reading and for sharing these special moments.

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  10. Heartwarming response, Edward – both the monumental day you chose and your views on fatherhood. Your family is fortunate to have you! Not sure that I’d want to repeat childbirth because of the incredible pain (natural childbirth) and some tense moments surrounding my daughter’s birth but I would repeat the first day I felt her kick in my belly. Miraculous! Of course, life is full of special moments – hard to choose one. Great article. Thank you!

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    1. Thank you, Michele. Oh, the first kick, that had to be special, knowing that a life was inside, moving and sharing that space with you. Goosebumps, just to think about it. I saw our son moving and stretching the belly, like he was trying to come out, and it was both amazing and frightening.

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  11. Oh, what a wonderful answer. I love the way you parent and cherish being a parent – it’s infectious!

    Your extension of the question to your dad is interesting. In my extended family, we have experienced children of divorce cutting off relationships with the parent. It’s so complicated but it seems to be because the parent that caused the divorce can’t bear the blame of breaking up the marriage so wants to tell a different story. And that story wouldn’t hold up if the kids have a relationship with the other parent so they undermine the kids’ relationship in order to protect their worldview.

    All that to say, responsibility is such a layered thing that kicks back in weird ways if one can’t look at it squarely as Dr. Stein suggests with his questions.

    Thanks for the thought-provoking answer, my friend!

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    1. Thank you for this wonderful comment, Wynne. I know someone who recently divorced, and the situation is exactly as you described it. The relationship with one parent is stronger, so it’s going to be complicated unless the one who left the house comes clean and chooses transparency. Extremely complicated stuff.

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  13. Hi Edward, I’m sorry about your father. Mine died when I was three months old. I was lucky enough to have an amazing stepfather from age two and three half sisters. The birth of my sons and the recovery of my husband from a stroke are the best times in my life. I’m still a happy person because of these great things.

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    1. Thank you for sharing those, Robbie. I can see how those events had a great impact and brought so much happiness, especially your husband’s recovery. Seeing your partner in bad shape and then back in good condition must have been a truly happy moment.

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  15. I’m touched by your answer, Edward, and what a great question. I’d have to give it some thought because there are so many wonderful moments like my wedding day, the day my daughter was born, and the day my son was born. Silver awards in Girl Scouts, Eagle and DSA in Boy Scouts, all graduations, and other family moments to cherish. They’re all bundled up into one big blessing. 🥰

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  17. A very precious question and a lot to reflect on here. As I was reading your testimony and thinking on my personal answer, it came to me that that single moment we would repeat is assuredly a moment that is based on love. That’s the ultimate experience while being human, and without it, not many things are worth experiencing or repeating. Thank you, Edward, for another great post. This series is truly meaningful! Lots of light and blessings to you, my friend 🙏✨

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    1. Thank you for that, Susana. It’s so true, that single moment we would repeat is definitely based on love. Some of the answers validated that sentiment: a hike, the birth of a child, marriage. Your comment about the ultimate experience is wonderful, and I appreciate the light you bring to the discussions. Blessings, my friend.

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  22. This post blessed me. I appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing. My grandson’s father just showed back up (MIA for a year). It is hard when you were raised with the opposite. But for God. I still prayed for him. We all need it. Some answer the call and some don’t. I appreciate your example, Ed. Thanks.

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  23. What an intriguing question, and what a beautiful answer. I think I know what answer I’d give to the question of what single decision I’d repeat, but I don’t think I can hone in on one single moment that I would repeat. If I had to choose one, it would probably my marriage. As much as I love my children, repeating childbirth doesn’t do it for me! 🤣

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    1. Thank you for sharing your moments, Mary. I think a lot of us feel the same way but have reservations because of the societal pressures to look tough and not show any emotions. That’s why Dr. Stein’s post was so powerful. How are we going to make emotional connections and understand others if we don’t open up?

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    1. That is a difficult one. I think a person with a strong desire will find a way if it’s truly important. But, of course, the other person needs to allow some space for that to happen. After all, human connections can be difficult if they are not developed correctly from the start.

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    1. Thank you, Brad. A first hike with incredible views is a great one. I bet that feeling was amazing. I’m not a hiker, but when I saw a mountain for the first time with snow at the top, even though it was pretty warm where I was standing, I was in awe of how incredible nature is.

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  28. And the moment for me was witnessing the birth of our Granddaughter. I was there, holding our daughter’s hand through the delivery. It was a 100% female team (our daughter, me, the nurses, and the Dr … and then our granddaughter) I was the first one to hold her after she was checked and cleaned up, and I was the one to take her to our daughter’s arms. Priceless in every sense of the word.

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    1. Wow, that’s priceless. I can imagine how proud you were at that moment, and I bet your daughter was extremely happy that you were there sharing such a precious moment with her. Thank you so much, Terry, for sharing that experience.

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      1. Our daughter had a teen pregnancy, and hubs was on the road working, so I was the logical one to be there. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. To this day, I’m extremely close to our granddaughter – even at 25, she’s still that brand new bundle in my arms 💕

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