The Questions We Don’t Ask—And Why They Matter

Last Thursday, I mentioned a little project I’ve taken on, inspired by a post from Dr. Gerald Stein titled “The Questions We Don’t Ask.”

Sometimes we’re quick to judge others, or place expectations on them that we don’t even meet ourselves. Dr. Stein’s questions are uncomfortable, but I believe taking the time to reflect on them can lead to greater self-awareness and empathy.

Some of the questions are deeply personal. I won’t be answering all of them, but I’ll focus on the ones I believe might inspire others to pause and reflect, and maybe even challenge their own assumptions.

So here’s the first one I’m tackling:

“Are you as happy as you appear to be?”

It sounds like a simple question. But once you start really thinking about it, you realize there’s no quick or easy answer. At least, not for me.

“Happiness” is usually defined as a state of pleasure, contentment, or joy—an emotional sense of well-being. But does it always look the same from the outside?

For me, probably not.

I’m an introvert. While I may sound reflective or even cheerful in my writing, in real life, I don’t exactly walk around beaming with joy. Most days, I’m deep in thought. What you’ll see is a serious guy—quiet, focused, always thinking. So if you’re trying to assess my happiness based on facial expressions or body language, good luck.

The philosopher Zeno once said, “Happiness is a smoothly flowing life.” The Stoics believed that living in harmony with nature and reason brings virtue, and through that, happiness.

By that definition, I still have work to do. I struggle to let go of things outside my control. I’m trying, though. My goal is to reach a place where I can focus only on what I can actually influence, and stop wasting energy on the rest. Maybe one day I’ll get there.

If you dig a little deeper, have a real conversation with me, you’ll find that I am happy.

I’m a Christian. I married the love of my life. I have an amazing son. That alone brings joy into my life every single day.

And on top of that, I was fortunate enough to retire early. I now have the time and freedom to pursue the things that truly matter to me. There are many reasons I feel content, but you wouldn’t know that just by looking at me.

Beneath the surface, the real question is:

Do we measure happiness by appearance? Or are we willing to go deeper, to connect with people on a human level and really see them?

It’s easy to put on a happy face for the world. We’ve all done it. But I believe something more meaningful happens when we’re honest about how we feel. When we show up as our full selves, we make room for others to do the same.

That’s where real conversations, and real connection, begin.

105 thoughts on “The Questions We Don’t Ask—And Why They Matter”

  1. Happiness eludes me lost days. But I can admit that overall, I am at peace and find contentment with the duties associated with living an engaging life. Like you, I am always deep in thought, though.

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  2. What a lot of great comments you blog post inspired! I especially liked this sentence from your post: “My goal is to reach a place where I can focus only on what I can actually influence, and stop wasting energy on the rest.” I am now going to absorb this goal into my life, too. Thank you!

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  3. Intriguing question and great post, Edward. I’m playing catch up tonight reading blogs. I knew I was in trouble when Part 4 of this series popped up and I hadn’t seen the first three parts. To answer the question you pose, I’m not as happy as I appear. My blog posts lately have predominately been a lot of political gloom and doom, as you know. I have found it difficult to find true happiness and joy since January 20. I put on a good face when I’m around people, but I’m rarely truly happy now.

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    1. I totally understand, Janet. I think writing is a good way to get the frustration out, and in some cases, it helps you relax, at least that’s been my experience. I either write in my journal or on the blog to ease my stress.

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        1. Really exhausting. His personality is one that feeds on the frustration of others. I’m keeping an eye on what’s going on, but I’m not following him closely because the daily grind of what this administration is doing is not good for my overall health.

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  4. i like the way you began this series. perspective is a very powerful thing and it goes in line with asking the right questions. just strictly in terms of happiness, i believe the proliferation of podcasts, self-help, depression material is based on an observance of surface phenomenon. we need to – as your title suggests – concentrate on deeper and more consequential aspects in our personal lives which allow us to articulate the right questions. i don’t know if you found yourself going through the topics of inversion and Abraham Wald’s WWII survivor bias studies but it illustrates the need for different questions and how important it is to uncover them. Mike

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    1. Excellent observation! I’m a big fan of cognitive behavioral therapy because it takes what’s on the surface and looks deeper, breaking down those “surface-level issues” into the real issues so you can address them and get better. Asking the right questions makes all the difference. I’m aware of Abraham Wald, though I haven’t studied him in detail. I know part of his work focused on correcting the military’s flawed approach to survivability. They were assessing how things survived battle instead of what happened to those that didn’t return. The military was asking the wrong questions then, and still does. Thank you, Mike.

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  5. Coming in late to this because it really interests me and saw part 2 so had to find part 1 🙂
    I couldn’t agree more about not basing ‘happiness’ on appearance. A smile may be welcoming, refreshing, uplifting but to be honest I don’t trust an eternally smiling face. For me it’s superficial and may or may not be genuine. Much more meaningful and interesting to find out what lies underneath.
    Now to part 2 ….

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  8. Gosh, we sound so similar with our serious introvert thoughts (whilst our lives are full of laughter and love)!! You’re already well on the way of “doing the deeper work” because you’re thinking that way… keep up the conversations as you do – you’re a conduit for many of us between ideas and action! Linda xx

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  9. Excellent! We MUST be real. The false self, and it’s illusion of happiness, must bow the knee to who we are becoming in Christ in real time. Sober judgment of where we are in our journey can create authentic dependence on Jesus and trust in His plan. God loves us. Every other “happiness” is seen in the light of that truth.

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  10. Oh my. How did I miss this post? Such a gem…so full of introspection that I connect with, Edward. And your last line…so perfect! Yes…honesty, dropping our masks can really open up a world of depth.
    Agree, agree! 💝

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  11. Thank you for this thought-provoking question and sharing your answer. I’m not really sure how happy I appear to others, but I know deep down, in my soul, in my DNA, I’m a happy person. But I grew up in a place filled with rage and depression, so I thought something was wrong with me. I tried not to show how happy I felt because a smile would be ridiculed. Even though pain, chaos, suffering is constantly broadcast at us as if it fills the entire world, I’m anchored to joy. Not in a way that dismisses reality, but in a way that sees there’s more to life than misery. I deeply feel the pain of injustice and inequality, but I know that’s not all there is. Like you, I’m married to my true love, I have immense faith and hope, and am living a life better than I dreamed. Those things deserve the respect of happiness and joy. If that makes sense.

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    1. Oh, thank you for your comment, Rose, and I can relate. It makes perfect sense, and I’m too living a life better than I dreamed. It’s interesting to see how life turns out when we are hopeful.

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  12. Hi Edward, thank you for this thoughtful post. I agree that happiness is a state of contentment and is not marred by continuous agitation from external factors. It is a state we must work to achieve. Joy are bright moments of extreme happiness like the birth of a child or your wedding day.

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    1. Thank you for sharing that, Leigh Anne. Those are the relationships that allow us to be better and give our best to others. That has got to be an amazing feeling, to have those kinds of relationships.

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  14. Another thought-provoking post and a good question, Edward. I relate to your words in this sentence: “I struggle to let go of things outside my control.” I’m a work-in-progress. It’s funny how the doctor’s say to avoid stress. LOL It’s everywhere if you turn on the news, let alone wanting those you love to stay safe and happy. I live by one day at a time, and I am happy, but I’m also worried about things out of my control. A lot of deep breathing is good. 🙂

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  15. I’m both introverted and extroverted.. not sure what that’s about lol… so at times I do need quiet and time to think… usually these times result in either writing or new understandings/ metaphors I might use at a later date.. I am very happy and most content when aware of the presence of the Lord. I also love meeting new people and making them laugh…
    It’s like, when I’m serious , I’m quite serious .. often passionate about an issue, when I’m happy I’m often laughing… in the garden I am full of wonder and contentment… I can be very day dreamy about projects … online.. I generally present as happy go lucky or an advocate lol.. I prefer happy go lucky … but can become very intense if I see someone being bullied.. or people groups being stereotyped.. when I get like this my vocabulary tends to change and I becomes very academic.. I think the biggest difference between my blog and how I’m actually feeling is that generally I present much healthier than I actually feel.. sometimes just commenting or posting content feels like a lot… and I find myself rushing so I can address health issues… as o type right now I’m somewhere in between serious and happy…
    Good post Edward:)

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I think they call those with both tendencies “ambiverts.” I guess it’s good to have both; in my case, I need to fake being an extrovert sometimes, and it’s exhausting.

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  16. Love this honest and deep look at the question of happiness, Edward. I’m still smiling about, “I don’t exactly walk around beaming with joy.” Your note about letting go of things out of your control landed for me to – getting to that state of flow.

    But you are so right that when we go deeper is when we find the real answers. Love how you did that here and that in your effort and authenticity, it ripples out to us as well. Glad you are happy – in a grounded and real way. Great post, my friend!

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  21. I giggled how you say: good luck if you base my happiness in my appearance. I’m like that, too🤩🤭 Dig me deeper and you’ll know I’m happy, not by my appearance, but by the way I live my life. Something like that. I love it, Edward.

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  22. Wonderful read, Edward. Very pertinent question and profound reflection. It’s so important to honestly acknowledge our state and feelings. Only then can we live with more meaning and fulfillment. Happiness does not always show as a smiling face or even laughing all the time; it can also be a soft rejoicement or even quiet bliss within that keeps the heart warm and radiant. I relate more with this quiet version, since, as for you, I am an introvert too. Thank you for this inspiring series; I am already loving it. Lots of light and blessings to you, my friend, today and always 🙏✨

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    1. Thank you so much, Susana. I really like how you described it: “Happiness does not always show as a smiling face or even laughing all the time; it can also be a soft rejoicement or even quiet bliss within that keeps the heart warm and radiant.” One of the best descriptions I’ve ever heard. Blessings to you, my friend.

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  23. Well I’ve struggled at finding the right way to find my identity, but I found happiness in Christ, asides that honestly the concept of “happiness” is a mystery to me and I am still asking “why”

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    1. Thank you. It’s definitely an interesting subject, it seems simple on the surface, but it takes some effort to get to the root of our emotions and find answers. I agree with you, and I’ve found the same happiness in Him, but to be honest, the path to sanctification can be challenging. Still, walking by faith is all I can do.

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  25. A meaningful project you’ve taken on! Your willingness to do so will surely benefit you and us with your posts. I can relate to your introverted personality and description (quiet, focused…). I think I’m too serious and contemplative to be described as a “happy” person, but I am hopeful and generally positive. Certain people and personalities bring out my carefree side, like my cousin. Thank you for sharing, Edward.

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    1. Thank you, Michele. I’m really looking forward to working through these questions, and I know they’ll definitely help with my journaling by encouraging me to intentionally focus on my answers (my inside voice). Working from my journal to the blog, letting the inside voice out, is going to be a great exercise. In my case, I think I’d replace “happy” with “blessed” and “content.”

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      1. Those words resonate with me, too and feel more authentic than “happy” which is a synonym, but it doesn’t quite fit or feel right. Maybe it’s the connotation vs. the actual definition. You’re welcome, Edward. Should be an engaging project for all of us to follow. 📝 Best wishes and happy writing. haha

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  29. Just my opinion, but I think the older we get, the happier we become for the simple reason that we don’t need to worry about what other people think. It’s emancipating and gives us the freedom to be exactly who we are. There’s a lot of happiness in that.
    That’s just one aspect.
    Thanks for sharing your lovely reflection Edward.

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  30. What an intriguing question. I think most people who know me pretty well know the real me, and know that I am contented with my life (as opposed to the world at the moment). I think it does get easier as you get older, when you no longer have the stresses that work brings, even if you enjoyed your work, as I did.

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    1. I think you’re right, Jane. I’m in my second year of retirement, and my stress level is way down. Work can definitely be emotionally demanding, especially when you’re in a leadership or management role. Being an introvert in a world of extroverts makes it much, much harder. Now, my new stress is my 17-year-old, he got his driver’s license last week and is ready to start driving solo next week. 😱 But I think I’m going to be fine after a week or so. 🙏🏼

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    1. That’s interesting. I don’t remember if anyone has asked me that question, but in conversations with others, when they were telling me about personal difficulties they were experiencing, the statement, “I’m surprised because you seem so happy,” has come up. Most of the time, I catch myself and try to avoid saying that because I really don’t like how it sounds. I think it might cause more problems. Thank you, Michelle, for reading and commenting.

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  32. I appreciate and share your conclusions Edward. Kudos on your faith, wife, son, and retirement. I tend towards serious, thoughtful, introvert, and dissatisfied with my life but apparently unwilling to do much to change.

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    1. Thank you, Brad. I don’t know, something about that trip you just took, what you wrote in your blog, and the wonderful photos you shared with us tells me that perhaps you’re ready for a little change, and that trip was the beginning. Keep taking those small steps, my friend.

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  34. I like Violet’s idea about contentment vs. happiness. I think the people in the US are not as content as people in many other countries because we look for happiness commensurate with what we can buy, the material trappings rather than interior peace. I am content in my life.

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    1. I definitely agree with you, my friend. I think that’s why I know some people in the military who, after serving 20–30 years, change out of their uniforms and return as civilians to serve many more years with the DoD. They can’t let go, and they want more money to buy more stuff. Insane! I’m content with my retirement and with what I’m doing right now.

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  35. Once I gained “eyes for eternity” I was able to relax and let go a lot of what was making me unhappy. I realize how blessed I am, even though I live with lots of pain. God is good and He is always the answer to the questions. I’m still working on the forgiveness part, but as a general rule, I am a happy person.

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  36. I’m with you about being an introvert. I’m content but my writing might show otherwise. I have a lot to be happy about though. Sometimes I wish I could be more expressive on the outside as I am when I write.

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    1. You know, the thing with writing is that it’s one-way communication, so you don’t have to, in theory, depend on live interaction. You don’t get interrupted, and you have the space to express yourself freely. In person, there’s a back-and-forth that happens, and depending on the other person’s ability to listen, you might not have the space to really open up. That’s why writing, especially journaling, is so good.

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  37. The people I know who are happy could care less what anyone thinks of them. I wish I had their confidence but it’s an every day struggle. I care too much what other people think and that’s not healthy at all!

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    1. I was the same way, but I think I’m doing a little bit better now. I still have a way to go, but as long as we keep improving every day, we’re on the right path. Besides, I’d rather be on the caring side, that’s definitely better than being callous.

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  38. Thought-provoking post, Edward. I’m not sure about how other people perceive me. I tend towards being pensive and serious in conversation. I don’t think I exaggerate happiness. I’m most comfortable with friends and family who know me well. In a crowd of strangers, I tend to be somewhat withdrawn. Happiness to me is subjective and can vary from day to day, depending on circumstances. I’ve never been one to mask my true mood or feelings, and sometimes that gets me into trouble, lol.

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  39. Yeah i find this very interesting…how much do we share vs what should we hold in…just this morning this sort of theme crossed my mind…i was supposed to call someone back (she had reminded me twice) to provide a reference check for 2 former students of mine who were seeking employment at the hospital…at the same time as i was to call her I received news from my mom that yet another cousin of mine passed away (his older brother just passed away also unexpectedly in June)…so i was thinking when i do call this lady back after lunch, do i say all this to explain why I didn’t call her at the agreed time? Would she think I’m looking for sympathy? Idk…just rambling, but as someone who over shares (obviously lol) I find it hard to find that perfect line to walk.

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    1. Good question, CJ. Me, I’ll probably tell the whole story without worrying too much about what the other person thinks. I believe the person should know the real reason. How much we share with others is always an important consideration, and it all depends on the subject and who we’re trying to share it with. There are always things we should keep to ourselves. Thank you for reading and commenting.

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  41. I am not as happy as I appear. Happiness is a social prerequisite I think and not an actual state of being. Now we’re you to ask me if I am as contented as I appear, to that I would be able to answer with a resounding Yes.

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