Book Review: Of Boys and Men

I’m always interested in studying different perspectives on the subject of men and how society is impacted by their actions or inactions. When I heard about the book Of Boys and Men by Richard V. Reeves, I was intrigued, especially after reading the subtitle: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do About It.

The book is divided into five parts: The Male Malaise, Double Disadvantage, Biology and Culture, Political Stalemate, and What to Do.

In the preface, the author states,

“When it comes to the challenges facing boys and men, there is not only an intellectual gap but also an institutional one.” (p. ix)

I chuckled when I read this. Most, if not all, institutions, policies, and societal systems were created by men. So, yes, I agree with the author that we have an institutional problem. What else can you expect when men created a flawed system that marginalized women for centuries? As the saying goes, “The chickens come home to roost.”

Part one focuses on boys falling behind in education, how men are losing ground in the labor market, and how fathers have lost their traditional role in the family. On the subject of education, the author advocates for boys to start school a year later. I fully support this—so long as it’s not mandated by the government and parents retain the option to choose. Girls are generally more mature than boys at the same age, so an additional year could yield great benefits. We chose this approach with our son, who is now a high schooler, and it has paid dividends.

Highlights from Part One:

“In 1972, the U.S. government passed the landmark Title IX law to promote gender equality in higher education. At the time, there was a gap of 13 percentage points in the proportion of bachelor’s degrees going to men compared to women. By 1982, the gap had closed. By 2019, the gender gap in bachelor’s awards was 15 points, wider than in 1972—but in the other direction.” (p. 3)

“In 2018, 88% of girls graduated from high school on time (i.e., 4 years after enrolling), compared to 82% of boys.” (p. 7)

“By 2020, 40% of young British women headed off to college at the age of 18, compared to 29% of their male peers.” (p. 12)

“The labor market trajectory of males in the U.S. has turned downward along four dimensions: skills acquisition; employment rates; occupational stature; and real wage levels. Labor force participation among men in the U.S. has dropped by 7 percentage over the last half century, from 96% to 89%. Even before COVID cratered the economy in 2020, there were 9 million men of prime working age who were not in employment. (Economists define the “prime” years as beginning at the age of 25 and ending, unnervingly, at 54.) One in three men with only a high school education are now out of the labor force. That is 5 million men.” (p. 19)

“Male employment has not fallen because men have suddenly become feckless or work-shy, but because of shifts in the structure of the economy. Machines pose a greater threat to working men than to women for two reasons. First, the occupations most susceptible to automation are just more likely to employ men. Men…make up over 70 percent of production occupations, over 80 percent of transportation occupations, and over 90 percent of construction and installation occupations. All these occupations groups with current task loads that have above-average projected automation exposure. By contrast, women make up most of the workforce in relatively automation-safe occupations, such as health care, personal services, and education.”  (p. 21)

The author also highlights the need for men to enter fields traditionally dominated by women, like HEAL jobs (health, education, administration, and literacy), to adapt to economic shifts.

Part Two addresses challenges faced by minorities and the poor working class, including policies like New York’s “Paycheck Plus” program. Despite offering a wage bonus, the program had significant positive effects on women but showed no detectable benefits for men.

Highlights from Part Two:

“When men struggle, families become poorer. One of the most striking facts about recent economic history is that it is only women who have kept American families financially afloat in the last few decades.” (p. 64)

“Since women continue to take most responsibility for childcare, they often also end up working what the sociologist Arlie Hochschild labeled ‘a second shift,’ of domestic labor on top of their job.” (p. 64)

A young Black student observed that women around him tended to be more motivated, independent, persistent, and future-focused than their male counterparts. (p. 80)

Part Three explores the making of men, emphasizing the roles of both nature and nurture.

Highlights from Part Three:

“Every religion has a story to tell about how or why we are created male and female. In Judaism and Christianity, it all starts with Adam and Eve. Islamic theology teaches that men and women are ‘made in pairs,’ from a single soul. In the Hindu tradition, Brahma asks Rudra to divide into male and female, so that creation can continue. These creation stories reflect the most fundamental dichotomy in human biology, the one between male and female.” (P. 85)

“The rather boring truth is that masculine traits are more useful in some contexts and feminine ones in others, and neither set is intrinsically better than the other.” (p. 87)

“One of the primary functions of human culture is to help young people to become responsible, self-aware adults. Maturity means, among many other things, an ability to calibrate your behavior in a way that renders it appropriate to the circumstances. To be a grown-up means learning how to temper our own natures. We learn to go to the bathroom. We learn not to hit each other when we are upset. We learn not to act on impulse. We learn empathy, restraint, reflection. It takes time, at least a couple of decades. It takes boys a little longer than girls. But most of us manage it in the end. Boys become men, even gentlemen. The boy is still with us, he is just not in charge anymore.” (p. 102)

Part Four examines political divisions, critiquing both the Left and the Right.

Highlights from Part Four:

“The first of four major failings of the political Left on issues related to boys and men, which is a tendency to pathologize naturally occurring aspects of masculine identity, usually under the banner of toxic masculinity. The second progressive flaw is individualism; male problems are seen as the results of individual failing of one kind or another, rather than of structural challenges. Third is an unwillingness to acknowledge any biological basis for sex differences. Fourth is a fixed conviction that gender inequality can only run one way, that is, to the disadvantage of women.” (p. 106)

“Toxic masculinity is a counterproductive term. Very few boys and men are likely to react well to the idea that there is something toxic inside them that needs to be exorcized.” (p. 107)

“Usually, progressives are reluctant to ascribe too much responsibility to individuals for their problems. If someone is obese, or commits a crime, or is out of employment, the progressive default is to look first to structural, external causes.” (p. 109)

“When it comes to masculinity, the main message from the political Left is that men are acculturated into certain ways of behaving,… which can therefore be socialized out of them.” (p. 111)

“Closing the gaps where girls and women are behind remains an important policy goal. But given the huge progress made by women in recent decades and the significant challenges now faced by many boys and men, it makes no sense to treat gender inequality as a one-way street.” (p. 115)

“Across the world, men have been more likely than women to support right-wing or protest parties.” (p. 119)

“Some conservatives go as far as to claim that there is a ‘war on men’ or a ‘war on boys.’ This language validates and fuels a sense of victimhood… while the problems of boys and men are real, they are the results of structural changes in the economy and broader culture, and the failings of our education system, rather than of any deliberate discrimination.” (p. 120)

“The final and most serious mistake made by conservatives is their assumption that the only way to help boys and men is to restore traditional gender roles, which means reversing some of the gains made by women in terms of economic independence.” (p. 126)

Conservatives are right to worry about the dangers of anomie and detachment among men stripped of their traditional role. But they are wrong to think that the solution is to somehow turn back the clock, making women dependent again in order to resupply men with purpose.” (p. 127)

“The failure of both Left and Right to respond to the growing problems of boys and men has created a dangerous vacuum in our political life.” (p. 129)

The final part of the book offers recommendations, including delaying boys’ school start by a year, increasing male teachers, promoting HEAL jobs, and improving fatherhood roles.

Highlights from Part Five:

“Malcolm Gladwell presented evidence in his book Outliers that children older than their classmates do better on academic tests, and in life generally. He argued that being either old or young within a class cohort leads ‘children into patterns of achievement and underachievement, encouragement and discouragement, that stretch on and on for years.’” (p. 134)

“The main reason for starting boys later is not so that they will be a year older in kindergarten. It is so they will be a year older when they get to middle and high school.” (p. 135)

“For one thing, if children grow up seeing care or education as women’s work, this reinforces gender stereotypes across generations. As Gloria Steinem said in 1995, ‘The way we get divided into our false notes of masculine and feminine is what we see as children.’” (p. 141)

“It ought to be a source of national shame that only 3% of pre-K and kindergarten teachers are men. There are now twice as many women flying U.S. military planes as there are men teaching kindergarten (as a share of the professions).” (p. 143)

“The old model of fatherhood, narrowly based on economic provision, is unfit for a world of gender equality. It has to be replaced with a much more expansive role of fathers, one that includes a much bigger caring element and is on an equal footing with that of mothers.” (p. 167)

“Anna Machin, anthropologist and author of The Life of Dad, ‘Fathers are not mere adjuncts to mothers, occasional babysitters or bag-carriers. They are the consequence of half a million years of evolution and they remain a vital part of the human story.’” (p. 169) 

“Fathers matter to their children whether or not they are in a relationship with their mother. The goal then is to bolster the role of fathers as direct providers of care to their children, whether or not there are married to or even living with the mother.” (p. 172)

“My observation is that moms are rarely annoyed at dads for doing less than half of the direct parenting when their children are very young, so long as he is working just as hard in other ways. When they get really irritated is when he is still doing less than his fair share many years later.” (p. 176)

“Just because moms are better at breastfeeding a 3-month old does not mean they are better at making dentist appointments for a 13-year old.” (p. 176) – My favorite quote of the book. 

Overall, I think the book provides valuable insights into why many men are falling behind. However, I believe the problem is largely self-inflicted. Men must self-assess and modify their behavior to improve their standing. The discussion on HEAL jobs and fatherhood was particularly interesting to me. As Artificial Intelligence and robotics continue to disrupt traditional jobs, it’s important for men to explore opportunities in areas traditionally associated with women, such as health and education. On this, I completely agree with the author.

About the Author:

Richard V. Reeves is a British-American writer and scholar. He is a Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institution and President of the American Institute for Boys and Men.1

  1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Reeves_(British_author) ↩︎

58 thoughts on “Book Review: Of Boys and Men”

  1. Your quote from page 109 directly hits the target. Those, for example, who allow themselves to gain pounds blame others. It’s like there is no free will at all. “Oh,” they say, “I’ll eat two gallons of ice cream because I feeeeeeeeeeeel like it. Eff how others view me. It’s their fault that I am this way. I’m traumatized.” And etc.

    Good review. I look forward to more.

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  2. Really great post. I remember learning about so much of what you mentioned in my Sociology classes. And I think you are correct about why men are falling behind. Women and women’s roles have shifted and evolved while men seem to be stuck and need to modify their behaviour. Most men don’t have the financial stability required to be a traditional one income family and yet they expect women to be a traditional housewife while working full-time to help financially. That is just not realistic.

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    1. Thank you, Pooja. You made a great point about women working and taking care of the home without help from their husbands. I think the author did a great job emphasizing that husbands need to be more involved, especially as the children get older.

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      1. Yes, exactly. I mean there’s obviously some wonderful men who are very involved with housework and childcare but there’s still so many that have no interest in helping with all that which is just not okay in this day and age where both parents often work full-time.

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        1. Absolutely. I did a lot of counseling when I was in the military, and in most cases where there were marital problems among soldiers, the main causes were the husband spending too much time playing video games, watching sports, or hanging out with friends on Friday or Saturday nights while the wife was struggling at home with everything else.

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  3. Thank you for your review of this, Edward 🙏 that’s so admirable as well that you cook for your family 😊 not a lot of men can or will take on that role, and it’s important that with both men and women needing to work nowadays that we all be able to help each other ☕️

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  4. Love this book review, Edward. I heard a podcast with Richard Reeves and loved the way he laid out the problems facing men. I firmly believe that unless we are all doing well, none of us are doing well and we have to care about these problems for boys and men.

    And I’m still chuckling about the dentist appointment quip. That’s good!

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    1. I know, the dentist part was so funny, but it had so much truth in it. Fathers can definitely do more once children get older. You’re absolutely right about the need for all of us to do well. Thank you, Wynne.

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  5. Thanks for this review and introduction, Edward. I love the title and the shift he talks about. It’s so encouraging when I see men opting to stay home while their wives work and they both admit that it’s the best solution for them all. 💓

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    1. Thank you, Cindy. I think it’s all about dialogue and partnership. In our case, my wife wanted to stay home and take care of our son, but with my retirement, we had an opportunity to switch roles. Now she is working, and I’m a stay-at-home dad.

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  6. Hi Edward, I have two sons so I always feel a need to defend males. My oldest is a very intelligent young man. He is achieving marks in the mid to high 90% for mathematics and computer science in the final year of his degree. Only a small group of student take mathematics to a third year level as it is a very hard course. The top students are now all male. In matric, the females achieved the highest marks in maths, but this has changed. I think this says something about the male mind when it comes to maths and science subjects. As far is women in the professional working world go, I have an issue with equality meaning that women must get endless concessions due to having children. Professional women are paid enough to make proper arrangements to have their children cared for while they are working. It is not appropriate to make domestic issues the problem of your colleagues in a corporate. If women want to be equal, then they must actually be equal. This is, of course, my personal view but it seems we have gone from one extreme to another with regards to gender equality. People must get appointed to jobs because they are the best candidate and not for other reasons. That is equality in my mind.

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    1. Excellent points, Robbie. The book discusses some of your points and emphasizes that equality really means equality. There are, of course, exceptions where boys are doing much better, and that’s a good thing. I think this varies depending on the country we live in. The main issue in the U.S., and likely in the UK and other countries, is that the affordability of childcare, housing, and transportation places 80% of the population at a disadvantage with regard to what jobs women can pursue.

      For men, the issue is often career diversity, as they need opportunities beyond manufacturing. I read another book that suggests 20% of the population in this country, likely those earning over $200,000 a year, including professional women and men, can afford the accommodations required to support their careers, such as relocation for promotions.

      Also, in a family construct, when men struggle, the whole family suffers, creating another stumbling block. In most cases, women are left to pick up the slack by working full-time jobs while also taking care of children. However, when husband and wife have a true partnership and support each other, this issue becomes much less chaotic. Thank you, Robbie, for reading and for your excellent comments.

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      1. You are correct, it’s harder for people in lower income brackets. I have noticed among young professionals that the fathers are playing a bigger role in the home and with the children so there is more balance. A lot of young men also cook. I can only comment on the trends I see in my work environment and appreciate it is different in other environments.

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        1. That’s true, and I need to find those statistics about men increasing their role at home because I think you’re right and it’s happening in many countries. I mentioned in my comment to Cindy that I’m a stay-at-home dad now and doing a lot of cooking. My mom taught me to cook when I was a teenager, and I cooked a lot of my meals in college. It’s an important skill to have.

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  8. Very interesting post, Edward. Your book review highlighted important aspects regulating our society that need to be addressed from a different perspective—for the greatest good. The roles of boys, men, girls, and women need to be reframed. It’s important to consider, beyond modernism, the basic biological aspects of men and women and their instinctive roles. This is key to optimize their roles and personal well-being. Many things seem mixed up these days, and that creates demotivation and even imposed immaturity of one fraction and overburden and misplaced roles of the other. More respect and cooperation too are crucial for a better society and a better future. I enjoyed the partial reading of the book you offered us and, of course, your point of view. Thanks for sharing, my friend. Lots of light and blessings to you; have a wonderful weekend* 

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    1. Great comments, Susana. I think what you said about the basic biological aspects and how things seem mixed up these days is an excellent point. It creates a lot of confusion and unnecessary competition. Dialogue and understanding are needed, in addition to healthy relationships where mutual support is at the center of our families and society as a whole. Thank you very much, my friend, and blessings to you. 🙏🏼

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  10. Thanks for the Cliff Notes, Edward. You read interesting books. I like how the author is focusing on the positive rather than the negative. He does a good job, from what you’ve said, of pointing toward a better future for men and boys. I have noticed the scarcity of men teachers in children’s education for the ages 4-12. I was very lucky that half of my teachers in elementary school were men and half women. Just like there are STEM programs to program girls in science, I’m glad he talks about getting men into previously non-traditional careers, like elementary school teaching. I am curious about the trend where young men aren’t doing as well in college or aren’t going to college. I hope studies will show the causes. I think that careers in trades should be promoted as interesting and financially sound for men or women. Many plumbers and electricians are retiring, with not many trained to replace them. I appreciate the interesting discussion.

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    1. You’re welcome, Rebecca, and thank you very much for your comments. Most of my teachers were women, and it wasn’t until I went to college that men were the majority. I only had one female professor when I completed my master’s. It’s just interesting, and he definitely did a good job highlighting a way forward, especially pointing out the HEAL jobs, which I found eye-opening. I never thought about those types of jobs as an alternative for men struggling with the lack of manufacturing jobs. He’s also a big promoter of community colleges as a path to improving job skills and helping men during job transitions.

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      1. I think, without getting too political, the subject of his book is directly related to the election outcome. Men are suffering underemployment (factory jobs went overseas) and it is undermining their confidence and happiness. My dad learned a trade in high school, he could then support himself through college and had preparation for the future.

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  12. I was just reading about our laboring males, who constitute the most suicidally hopeless demographic among us all right now, and I welcome your balanced address of this topic.

    I add the almost universally, and indeed increasingly, demeaning and depersonalizing nature of official employment ~ beginning with the (if you ask me, totally unamerican) NDA they have to sign to get the job in the fitst place, and continuing through biometric monitoring and inhuman quotas, blah blah blah.

    About thirty years ago, I spoke to a postman who could remember when it was okay to stop for a quick cup of tea with a friendly housewife on their routes. “Now we practically run the routes,” he said, “and we still don’t get them done on time.”

    I’d also say that statistics on poverty rates are highly skewed by a society’s requirements of its citizens. It’s all very well to point out that everyone has hot water ~ but if everyone is required to have it and pay for it (along with a host of other modern conveniences, most of which had better be insured as well if we want to keep them), one can end up just as dead-ended as a Third Worlder, but much less obviously so.

    In the realm of formal education I, like yourself, support starting it a little later, and starting the school days a little later also ~ when kid’s brains naturally unfog, rather than when it is convenient to get the rest of the household to work on time.

    I’m addition I approve of a gap year between High School graduation and the choice of direction for higher study. Too many of us have as yet developed little sense of personal direction or life mission when going on to college.

    As you can see, your thoughtful posts always provoke in me a lot of thought also!

    Always a pleasure, brother… 🙋

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    2. I agree about the need for gap years. A year between high school and college would give students time to figure out what they want to do in college and time to work a job to help pay for college. I could have used a gap year between college and graduate school, mostly to recover from the emotional trauma. The professors were great, but I don’t care if I ever see the other students again.

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      1. I turned down full ride scholarships to become a poet, reading like a fiend lifelong to self educate. In the darkest and hardest times of my life I have asked myself whether I was sorry. I never have been able to say I was. Literarily, our universities are wastelands.

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        1. Too many people, from the students to the presidents, treat universities as diploma mills where people go to party for four years. I did mostly enjoy going to graduate school in England, because my professors were so flexible it almost felt like topical self-guided reading, and I had time for plenty of my own reading on the side. I also met a lot more international students in England than I did during college in America.

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  13. “Since women continue to take most responsibility for childcare, they often also end up working what the sociologist Arlie Hochschild labeled ‘a second shift,’ of domestic labor on top of their job.”

    From my experience and what I’ve heard from others, this is true more often than not. I was frequently frustrated with my children’s dads (both of them) because I was expected to take care of the children, take care of the home, pay the bills, make appointments…the list seemed endless. It’s what I am doing now, and I don’t have a partner.🤣 I think that says it all. Yet, there was always tension when I asked for help on the home front. I was told that they “worked all day” and shouldn’t have to come home and do more.😳 I think women are expected to be machines. Somewhat ironic that jobs dominated by men are being taken over by automation.

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    1. I hear you, my friend. A one-sided partnership is not the way to go. I’ve never understood why, if we are “physically stronger” than women, we’re always tired when it’s time to help out with household chores.

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      1. I think if we approach anything from a spiritual aspect, part of the problem lies in our values, what we are conditioned to value. MONEY. People (most people anyway) don’t actually want to go to work to ‘earn a living’. If people had greater motivation and were conditioned to be mindful and appreciate the value of selfless service, we’d live in a completely different world.🙏🏻

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        2. I’m not sure when it started, but the idea was being promoted that if you love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life. So kids grew up expecting to find jobs that they actually liked, and entered a world where most jobs are just that: jobs. We set them up for disappointment.

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  15. Bravo, Edward. I wasn’t sure if I was going to enjoy reading a review of this book, but I came on board quickly when I read your early para that starts with, “I chuckled when I read this …” So many underlying challenges that need to be addressed, and several reasonable suggestions, the most important one being not to fall back on the victimhood push. That’s a lose-lose path, and a poor excuse. Thank you for this review, providing some hope that the right messages might get through.

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    2. Thank you, Jane. I figured I’d start with something funny before moving on to the serious stuff. I agree with you that there are many underlying challenges, and going the victim route is the wrong approach.

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