Book Review: You Will Not Have My Hate

Over the weekend, I read You Will Not Have My Hate, a memoir by Antoine Leiris. The book, translated from French by Sam Taylor, was recommended by the Secret Library Book Blog, and it’s the most emotional book I have read so far in my life. Knowing the background of the events that led to this book, I became emotional from the start. Antoine does a wonderful job narrating what is happening in his life and his son Melvil’s life during and after the terrible days of the terrorist attack in Paris in 2015. At least 130 people were killed, and more than 350 were injured in the attack, which was claimed by al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP).1

The book begins by unfolding the events of November 13, 2015, when Antoine Leiris’s wife, Hélène Muyal-Leiris, was killed during the terrorist attack at the Bataclan Theater in Paris. Three days later, Antoine posted an open letter to the killers on Facebook, refusing to be intimidated by their violence or let his 17-month-old son, Melvil, be defined by the tragedy. In this memoir, Leiris recounts the emotional devastation he faced and the courage it took to move forward after Hélène’s death. He shares his grief, his determination to raise his son without succumbing to hatred, and the journey of enduring unimaginable loss while honoring his wife’s memory.

Here are some impactful parts of the book:

“November 14, 8:00 P.M. Melvil waits. He waits to be big enough to reach the light switch in the living room. He waits to be well-behaved enough to go out without a stroller. He waits for me to make his dinner before I read him a story. He waits for bath time, for lunchtime, for snack time. And tonight, he waits for his mother to come home before he goes to bed. Waiting is a feeling without a name. As I read him one last story, it brings all of them at the same time. It is distress, hope, sadness, relief, surprise, dread. I wait too. To be sentenced. A few angry men have delivered their verdict with automatic gunfire.” (P. 13-14)

“November 15, 5:00 P.M. Today, I can tell he is annoyed. His pain, still speechless, shows through in every little worry of his infant life. The cookie is too soft; he doesn’t want to play anymore. The straps on his stroller are too tight; he doesn’t want to stay in there. He struggles with everything jostling inside him, everything that he doesn’t understand. An unspeakable turmoil that robs him of the innocent curiosity of a little boy. What is this feeling that makes him want to cry when he’s not hungry, not in pain, not afraid? He misses his mother. She hasn’t been away for more than a single evening before.” (P. 17-18)

Antoine found a playlist that Hélène created for Melvil and hit play. The songs are playing, and a photo of Hélène appears:

“Immediately, he points an anxious finger toward her, and then turns to me, his smile turned upside down and warm tears welling in his eyes. I break down, and I explain to him as best I can that his mama will not be able to come home, that she had a serious accident, that it’s not her fault, she would have loved to be with him, but she can’t anymore. He cries like I’ve never seen him cry before. He’s shed a few tears before, of course, out of pain, fear, disappointment, tantrums. But this, this is something else altogether. This is his first real sorrow. The first time he has ever felt true sadness.” (P. 21-22)

Antoine’s open letter to the killers on Facebook:

“On Friday night, you stole the life of an exceptional being, the love of my life, the mother of my son, but you will not have my hate. I don’t know who you are and I don’t want to know. You are dead souls. If the God for whom you blindly kill made us in his image, each bullet in my wife’s body will have been a wound in his heart.

So, no, I will not give you the satisfaction of hating you. That is what you want, but to respond to your hatred with anger would be to yield to the same ignorance that made you what you are. You want me to be scared, to see my fellow citizens through suspicious eyes, to sacrifice my freedom for security. You have failed. I will not change.

I saw her this morning. At last, after days and nights of waiting. She was as beautiful as she was when she went out on Friday evening, as beautiful as when I fell madly in love with her more than twelve years ago. Of course, I am devastated by grief, I grant you that small victory, but it will be short-lived. I know she will be with us every day and that we will see each other in the paradise of free souls to which you will never have access.

There are only two of us—my son and myself—but we are stronger than all the armies of the world. Anyway, I don’t have any more time to waste on you, as I must go to see Melvil, who is just waking up from his nap. He is only seventeen months old. He will eat his snack as he does every day, then we will play as we do every day, and all his life this little boy will defy you by being happy and free. Because you will not have his hate either.” (P. 53-54)

The narrative is so gripping that I was unable to put this book down. I didn’t include the “Letter from Melvil”, a real tearjerker, so as not to spoil the whole book.

I strongly recommend it, as it puts into perspective the death of so many innocent people during terrorist attacks and wars. With everything going on around the world, I wish that country leaders, politicians, and those sponsoring terrorism would read this book, hoping that it might move their hearts just a little and help them avoid making rash decisions that can affect the lives of so many children, like Melvil.

About the author and translator. 

Antoine Leiris is a journalist in Paris, and a former cultural commentator for France Info and France Bleu. You Will Not Have My Hate is his first book.

Sam Taylor is an award-winning literary translator and novelist. He has translated more than 60 books from the French, including Laurent Binet’s HHhH and Leïla Slimani’s The Perfect Nanny.

  1. https://www.britannica.com/event/Paris-attacks-of-2015 ↩︎

32 thoughts on “Book Review: You Will Not Have My Hate”

  3. 😢😢😢Your words are palpable and a real tear jerker, Edward! I can see why you couldn’t put it down. What a painful read to know how much pain and sadness that inhumane can bring! It’s inexcusable and so terrifying ! 😢😢😢

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  6. Not only profoundly moving but also thought provoking. It encourages a change of perspective, which is necessary to compassionatly move forward regardless of the tragedy. Thank you, Edward, for sharing it. Sending you light and blessings, my friend 🙏 🌟

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  9. Hi Edward, what a terrible tragedy to endure. Antoine is a very brave and determined man. My mom and I were victims of a home invasion in 2011. I had a gun at my head and we were tied up. It deeply impacted my trust in people and I had flash backs for years afterwards. My experience was nowhere near as bad and I know how much it affected me which makes me all the more admiring of this man.

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    1. Wow, Robbie, what a terrible event you and your mom went through. I can’t even begin to imagine. People are so desensitized to violence nowadays. Going to a house at gunpoint to steal or stabbing random people on the streets, like what has happened in the U.S. and UK, along with other terrible things happening around the world, is just insane. Thank you for sharing that painful personal experience. I know it happened about 13 years ago, but my thoughts are with you.

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  10. Man, this is definitely a tough read with just you summarizing it, Edward. Love how you are delving deeply into these kinds of topics and making more people aware. 🙏 It’s a rough and sad story but a reality of life in far too many different ways. I try not to get too involved with politics on social media, but I unfortunately don’t think any of those driving the war monger machine are interested in putting it down anytime soon 😢

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    1. It was a tough one for sure. You are so right about your last comment, Laura. The sad part is that most decisions are being made from the comfort and safety of their homes, so to speak, or hiding in bunkers in the case of terrorists, without truly measuring the long-term pain that they are causing.

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      1. Oh my goodness, Edward, what a powerful review about a clearly searing story of unbelievable pain, loss, and survival. Man’s capacity for violence against others is staggering, and doesn’t seem to diminish. As you say, if only political leaders would read stories like this and come to their senses. If only.

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        1. The story broke my heart because it made me think about those years when I was away from my wife and little boy, not knowing if I would ever see them again. Those were terrible times, but nothing compared to what the author went through.

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          1. Oh, of course, I hadn’t thought about that parallel of the separation of military personnel from their families when they are sent off on dangerous assignments. I can see how that story would have impacted you even more personally. 💝

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  11. Oh, my gosh, Edward. I don’t know if I can read this book. The story is heartbreaking, and so intensely sad that it could be written by countless people across our planet. Too much violence. Too much hate. Too much anger. Too much injustice. Too many hurt and disturbed people. Too many victims. Thank you for this intense review, Edward.

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    1. I knew the background of the book, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so intense to read. It was very difficult to finish. I’m with you, Mary; there is so much hate, anger, and injustice fueling violence in this world. I wish leaders would take more time to think about the consequences of their actions, and maybe we can reduce suffering around the world.

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