Are You Listening?

In this fast-paced world, where everyone is constantly on the move, we have become accustomed to functioning in a 24/7 environment. The demand for speed is pervasive—we desire everything instantly. Meaningful conversations have become a rarity as many now prefer communicating through text messages. Face-to-face interactions, when unavoidable, are often dominated by small talk.

I believe that the art of conversation and the crucial skill of listening have significantly declined. In my opinion, this decline was driven by the internet and social media explosion in the 2000s, as well as the continuous cycle of 24/7 TV programming.

Listening is an important skill and creates all kinds of problems when we don’t do it well. Most problems at home and work are related to the lack of listening skills. I read in an article, “that the average person only remembers 25% to 50% of what they hear. Perhaps with good reason, experts suggest that poor listening skills, which may manifest as a lack of empathy, are at the core of most workplace conflicts, and those conflicts impose not just cultural but hard financial penalties.”1 Stephen R. Covey said that most people “listen with the intent to reply, to control, to manipulate.”2 Listeners need to hear the “entire message, including any feelings, and practice empathy, trying to see the world from the speaker’s point of view.”3

Recently, I read an article titled, “What is Active Listening?” in the Harvard Business Review by Amy Gallo, which discusses the concept of active listening. The article was very insightful. She stated that active listening is, “when you not only hear what someone is saying, but also attune to their thoughts and feelings. It turns a conversation into an active, non-competitive, two-way interaction.”

She then discusses how to practice active listening, first by understanding our default listening style and then, by making an active, conscious choice about how to best listen.

The article identified four distinct listening styles:

  • A task-oriented listener is focused on efficiency and shapes a conversation around the transfer of important information.
  • An analytical listener aims to analyze a problem from a neutral starting point.
  • A relational listener seeks to build a connection and understand and respond to the emotions underlying a message.
  • A critical listener typically judges both the content of the conversation and the speaker themselves.

Probably because I’m an introvert, I identified myself as a task-oriented listener for sure.

In advocating for making an active, conscious choice about how to listen best, Ms. Gallo suggested that we need to ask ourselves the following questions and provided her insights for each of them:

  • Why do I need to listen right now? Reflecting on the goals of each particular conversation — both what you want and what the other person needs — can help you determine the best way to listen at that moment.
  • Who is the focus of attention in the conversation? Sharing your own personal stories can help establish connections and validation, but it’s important to avoid steering the conversation away from the speaker so they don’t feel unheard or dismissed.
  • Why am I talking? While we all sometimes start rehearsing our response while the other person is talking, it’s counterproductive to effective communication. This question reminds us to listen without an agenda so that we can process what the other person is saying.
  • Am I still listening? One of my worst listening habits is deciding that I understand what the person’s point is before they finish talking and tuning out. I might even give in to the temptation to multitask. My logic? I’ve already heard their main ideas; there’s no harm in checking my email real quick. Wrong! It’s not enough to put down obvious distractions (mobile phones) at the beginning of the conversation. You need to stay focused. And, remember it’s not just devices or other external things that distract us. It might be your own thoughts or emotions.
  • What am I missing? Remember, active listening is much more than nodding, saying “Mm-hmm,” and parroting back the person’s points. Speaking up and asking good questions tell the other person that you’ve not only heard what they have to say but you understood it well enough to want additional information.

These are excellent questions that will help us improve our listening skills, keeping us in the moment. We all need to do better in this area, and I hope this post will help in that endeavor.

  1. https://www.cnbc.com/2019/07/09/listen-up-learning-this-skill-can-reduce-work-conflicts.html ↩︎
  2. Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. (P. 240). Fireside. New York. 1990 ↩︎
  3. Brown, Donald R. and Harvey, Don. An Experiential Approach to Organization Development. (P. 192). Pearson. New Jersey. 2006 ↩︎

39 thoughts on “Are You Listening?”

  1. On the job, I have been task oriented as a focused listener… Off the job I tend to be more relational and interested in what’s going on in the other person. That is my intentional and practiced way of living most of my life. However, my natural default is task oriented. I try to speak and write relationally so the conversation can continue (ie…comments section).

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  5. When your own mind moves at the speed of light, it can be excruciating to slow down enough to let people finish their endless, nearly empty sentences. And that’s before they start repeating themselves!

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  7. Wonderful post full of terrific resources and reminders. I often think about respect and presence…giving each person AND their message my full attention and nudges to demonstrate that behavior, whole-heartedly and in every encounter? Good stuff! Just like your post! 🥰

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        1. Cool that we have similar interests. He was such an inspirational leader and his books are full of great insights not just about how to be a good leader but also about life as a whole. About HBR, they are producing a lot of great articles and it’s an awesome place to stay informed of the latest developments. Thank you and 🫶🏼.

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  9. Edward, Thank you for the excellent review of active listening. When I worked in an office, face-to-face with people I tried to implement the practice. It is not easy. Especially when you are trying to participate in a conversation cross-culturally. Language, body language, and customs can easily get us mixed up. These days, with people working from home and our meetings being online, active listening is even harder.

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    1. Joni, thank you for reading, and your comment reminded me of my time in NATO. We used video phones for the reason you mentioned about cross-cultural engagements. The video phones helped us understand our partners better since we were able to see their facial expressions. I really appreciate your feedback and engagement. I like this kind of interaction.

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  12. A timely post in this culture of disconection in thirty seconds. I am a Christian life coach and this is strategic to really helping others. I do attempt to practice this. It takes time to get really good at it. I have found that you really get to know people when you actively listen. I have to be honest. I have been all four at one time or another.Thanks for sharing.

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    1. It is really difficult but essential, especially when doing counseling and coaching. The Army places a strong emphasis on performance counseling, going deep into Soldiers’ expectations and discussing strengths and weaknesses and what they need to do to improve. Sitting down with them at least twice a year, discussing not only performance but also life, was crucial, so learning active listening became a part of my personal education. I believe I started to grasp the concept towards the end of my career, so needless to say, it is a challenging skill. Thank you for reading, and I’m glad you can use the article as a reference.

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  13. Great Post Edward and Yes, Covey has it right❣️
    ❤️
    “Stephen R. Covey said that most people “listen with the intent to reply, to control, to manipulate.”2 Listeners need to hear the “entire message, including any feelings, and practice empathy, trying to see the world from the speaker’s point of view.”3”

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  14. Thank you! I am more of an analytical-relational listener. We would have interesting conversations.😆

    I have learned (several times) about active listening. It’s always good to be reminded. I once read that to actively listen, much like what Ms. Gallo says, don’t nod, interject, just be present. Fully absorb yourself in what the person is saying. If responding, begin with your understanding of what the person said, giving them the opportunity to clear up and misunderstanding. Imagine if we all communicated like this all the time.☮️

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    1. Task-oriented and analytical/relational listeners engaged in a conversation – yes, that is going to be an interesting and awesome conversation. I’m with you on your last point. This world would be much better. Thank you for reading.

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