This year, I read one of the worst books about marriage, and it was extremely painful. The book, “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs was given to me by a Chaplain, and I read it because I like to study all aspects affecting current social issues. I’m a Christian, and it bothers me when so-called “Christians” use the Bible as a weapon, especially to advance their theories about women’s subordination to men. I know this is not new, and for centuries, people have used the Bible for nefarious reasons. But this particular book hit a nerve, so I want to share my thoughts on it. I completely agree with Sheila Wray Gregoire and her assessment concerning this book¹. From the beginning, you can sense the one-sided narrative and the mishandling of Bible verses to advance the author’s agenda. There are many problematic areas, but I’m only going to provide two examples.

Firstly, in Chapter 4 (What Men Fear Most Can Keep The Crazy Cycle Spinning), the author referenced on page 57 that “The male fear of contempt is dramatized in the first chapter of Esther. What was the fear? That wives would start to despise their husbands and defy them. The result: there would be no end to the contempt and anger poured out by wives on their husbands throughout the king’s realm (see Esther 1:18).” On page 59, he then quoted Esther 1:17 from the NIRV, stating that “Wives virtually ask to be unloved when they ‘look down on their husbands.’

However, there was a reason for Queen Vashti’s action, as Esther 1:10-12 (NIV) reads, “On the seventh day, when King Xerxes was in high spirits from wine, he commanded the seven eunuchs who served him—Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, Abagtha, Zethar and Karkas—to bring before him Queen Vashti, wearing her royal crown, to display her beauty to the people and nobles, for she was lovely to look at. But when the attendants delivered the king’s command, Queen Vashti refused to come. Then the king became furious and burned with anger.” Context is important.

The second example is found on page 302 (Conclusion). The author wrote about “a letter that we received from a lady who had gone through the pain of an unfaithful husband. She went through obsession, depression, and ‘insanity’ before, during, and after the divorce. Her view of men dropped well below zero. She decided to try to reconcile with her ex-husband for the sake of her two boys, but she had little hope for a fulfilling marriage. Then she found a class taught by her aunt, offering our Love and Respect series. She had heard plenty from the church about being submissive, but not much about being respectful. The class changed her life forever. She learned to bury her baggage and understood for the first time the real meaning of submission and respecting men.”

The author’s advice to wives is to “bury their baggage”—really! Obviously, this book is dangerous for both men and women. Throughout the Bible, there are many stories about wives acting on their own and not being submissive. One that I think is very powerful is the story of Zipporah circumcising Moses’ son to save Moses’ life. In Exodus 4:24-26 (NKJV), it reads, “And it came to pass on the way, at the encampment, that the Lord met him and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone and cut off the foreskin of her son and cast it at Moses’ feet, and said, “Surely you are a husband of blood to me!” So He let him go. Then she said, “You are a husband of blood!”—because of the circumcision.” 

God was about to destroy Moses because he forgot one of God’s directives when Zipporah saved the day and Moses. But despite her leadership and quick action, no one talks about this episode. I know the story is gruesome, but it is teaching an important lesson about wives stepping up when their husbands are not. Can you imagine if she was submissive and quiet?

The author is not truthful and is manipulating scripture to advance women’s subjugation. Husbands across the world are using this kind of material and believing that they need to lead their wives, and wives need to obey and respect their husbands no matter what. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why gender-based violence is on the rise. This, my friends, is wrong. No one is perfect, and that is the reason that husbands and wives are equal in marriage, and they need to lead the household together. I do not recommend this book.

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1. https://baremarriage.com/2023/01/summary-problems-love-and-respect-emerson-eggerichs/ ↩︎

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