Nurturing Fathers

Father’s Day is four days away, and it’s a special day to honor and celebrate fathers in society. In the United States, it started in Spokane, Washington, in 1910 by Sonora Louis Smart Dodd.1

Sonora held her father in great esteem, and while hearing a church sermon about the newly recognized Mother’s Day at Central Methodist Episcopal Church, she felt strongly that fatherhood needed recognition as well. She approached the Spokane Ministerial Alliance and suggested her own father’s birthday, June 5, as the day to honor fathers. The Alliance chose the third Sunday in June instead.2

We all know that mothers, in most cases, lead the way in raising and nurturing children in our society. My WordPress community knows that I grew up without a father, so single mothers will always have a special place in my heart for their unwavering commitment to raising and taking care of their families no matter the circumstances or how hard the task is.

In 2022, there were around 15 million families with a female householder and no spouse present in the United States, a decrease from the previous year.3 I am not sure of all the reasons for this decrease, but I will leave that for another post. In comparison, there were around 7 million families with a male householder and no spouse present in the United States.4 The same source indicated that there were close to 3 million families led by a single father in 1990. This increase in numbers is significant and worth analyzing, again, probably in another post. To complete these statistics, I want to highlight that in 2023, there were 131.43 million households in the United States. These numbers will be dramatically different in other countries for sure. For example, in Haiti, children living with the mother only is 31.7%.5

With around 7 million families led by a single father in the United States and knowing that most families have both parents present, it is extremely important for us fathers to understand our crucial role in raising children to be productive members of society. Our role is no longer just as “providers” but also as “nurturers,” a role commonly associated with mothers.

There are several reasons why we need to take on this new role, which I argue should have been one of our primary roles all along, but I will leave that aside for now. With so many families led by single fathers, we need to ensure that we are helping our children navigate through current major issues in society, such as mental health, drug and alcohol abuse, crime, human trafficking, the impact of social media, and financial issues, among others.

Regarding mental health, for example, a report from Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project suggested these five strategies: listening to teens, guiding parents in supporting teens’ mental health, caring for the caregivers, guiding parents in talking about their own mental health struggles with teens, and helping teens cultivate meaning, purpose, and hope.6 The report included a statement from a 26-year-old woman in which she said, “It made a world of difference when I was a teen that when I was anxious, my father, who is also an anxious person, knew what I was experiencing and never made me feel any shame about it.”

For both single fathers and fathers co-leading a household with mothers, the key is to become much more involved, offering emotional support to children, not just “providing” for them. Fathers need to learn closeness with their children and be the protector against the day-to-day challenges of life.

I think that it’s a bit easier for a father where the mother is present to learn these new nurturing skills because the mother will help and guide him through the process. But for a single father, the task will be much more difficult. With 7 million families led by single fathers, there is no time for passivity, and we need to tap into our natural aggressiveness and toughness to get it done. Most likely, single fathers are not going to find other fathers or men to help them navigate through this process, so they need to reach out to the women in their lives—mothers, sisters, aunts, and friends—to get the support needed.

The stakes are too high, and you can look at the number of prisoners in the United States to get a sense of the issue. At the end of 2022, the U.S. prison population was 1.2 million, a 2% increase from the end of 2021.7

Our children depend on our involvement so they can grow and become whole persons.

I encourage fathers to reflect on this and develop a plan of action, while celebrating Father’s Day with their loved ones, understanding that this is an essential role that cannot be delegated.

  1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father’s_Day ↩︎
  2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonora_Smart_Dodd ↩︎
  3. https://www.statista.com/statistics/205000/number-of-families-with-a-single-mother-in-the-us/ ↩︎
  4. https://www.statista.com/statistics/204966/number-of-families-with-a-single-father-in-the-us/ ↩︎
  5. https://bettercarenetwork.org/compare/cla/haiti ↩︎
  6. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b7c56e255b02c683659fe43/t/64ac08af6f3dc8123d9b3c45/1688996016873/Caring+for+the+Caregivers_final.pdf ↩︎
  7. https://bjs.ojp.gov/document/p22st.pdf ↩︎

44 thoughts on “Nurturing Fathers”

  2. Your essay would make an excellent speech, with an encouraging call to action at the end. Bravo Edward! Involved fathers who nurture and lead by example strengthen children and communities. 🙏🏻

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    1. Michele, thank you so much for your wonderful and thoughtful comment. Fathers need to stay engaged and lead by example. There are little ones (and not-so-little ones) looking up to us, so we need to do our best.

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  5. I love how you highlighted the challenges, responsibilities, and opportunities for fathers, Edward. I couldn’t agree more that it is such an important role that can have such an incredible impact, for better or for worse. Father Gregory Boyle talks about the father wound that many people carry. With the suggestions that you provided here, you name such pivotal way that can be fatherly strength!

    Happy Father’s Day to you, Edward! I have no doubt of the incredible job you’ve done and continue to do!

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      1. No doubt about that. But now that I read that back, I think I typed the wrong Father. I think it’s Richard Rohr that I’ve heard talk about the father wound. Either way, both are incredible.

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  6. A thought provoking post Edward… the same statistics are mirrored our side of the Atlantic too. My father was absent for two years at a time in my early childhood as he was serving in the Royal Navy and although we accompanied him on some of his shore deployments, I do remember the burden it placed on my mother with four children during those prolonged absences. Boys are not brought up usually to be the nurturing carers with the emphasis being on earning the money to put on the table and the figure of discipline – My mother’s response to my wayward antics was slightly diluted ‘Wait till your father comes home’ when it wouldn’t be for another 18 months! However when I was ill as a child, my father’s seagoing duffle coat on my bed was always a source of great comfort. I was lucky to have both parents well into my own middle age and I can only imagine the challenges of both mothers and fathers who have to fulfil both roles.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your experience as a child of a military man. It’s very hard for military families, especially for the mom who usually stays home when the husband is deployed. That’s the main reason I retired from the Army last year—to be home for my son during his high school years (or Key Stage 4, I think, on your side of the Atlantic).

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  7. I’m glad that Father’s Day was begun last century as well! Fathers can be so instrumental to the emotional wellbeing of their children. Hats off to you and to my father, who became invested fathers despite not having a fatherly example to follow.

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        1. Definitely not perfect by any means, and I know that some mothers also struggle in this area. I know my mother had a hard time, and my life was far from normal but my dad went missing in action on me and didn’t even care about my condition.

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                  1. Really great, gave him the structure to be successful and use his mind to the fullest. It was a great sacrifice for his mother to send him 1000 miles away when he was 9, but the education and resources were and are fantastic.

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          2. I didn’t know this about you! I know it sounds trite, but you would never guess… you have the sort of personality that exudes the sort of confidence and generosity that implies a balanced upbringing (whatever that means) – and now you’re paying it forward. Amazing. Linda xx

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  8. Edward, Thank you for these thoughts and encouragement to fathers, whether they are single fathers or partnering with a signifigant other. Recently, I’m beginning to realize that the men in our society have been pushed to a background for their mental well-being. While the me-too movement empowered women, and I think it was important; we have forgotten that men also have emotions and issues they need to deal with also. How to be a parent is not something that is inheriently known by either gender. While women may have a lot of support as a new mom, men also have to learn and grow into the role of a father and often feel left out and abandonded in those early years. It’s time we start recognizing the support that men need as a parent.

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    1. Thank you, Joni, for your comment, and you are so right about the support available. There are definitely more resources available now, but still not enough compared to what is available for moms. I remember reading a book similar to “What to Expect When Expecting” and articles on fatherhood.org, and thinking that’s all that is available to us. Not to mention some of the crazy advice that I got from some of the men in my life. We definitely need to start including fathers in the conversation and find ways to support them.

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  9. What an important post, Edward. I hope it is widely read. Most young (and not so young anymore) fathers I know are far more involved in the parenting and nurturing role than was the case a generation ago, and especially generations before that. I love watching them fully engaged with their young kids. But you make a really important point about the increase in single father families and the supports they should have.

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    1. Things are changing, and for the better. You are so right. I can see how my cousins are more involved with their kids than generations before us. I was surprised to learn about the number of single fathers in the U.S., and they definitely need all the support they can get. Thank you, Jane, for your comment.

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